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Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Cruise has tossed off the shackles of Hollywood oppression and is piloting his Scientology-fueled funny car straight towards you. The tires are smoking and he's screaming to the stands about Katie, psychiatry, sex, space aliens, and Brooke Shields. We invite you to grab some popcorn and watch for a few minutes before the crash...

Feel like you're about to punch an express pass on the crazy train yourself? Visit for mental health treatment options.

September 6, 2006

"Me ruv u rong time!"

BREAKING NEWS: Suri pictures released in Vanity Fair! And she's.... Asian? Really?

From AP. Well, it doesn't look like an alien spawn... but then again, alien spawns never look like alien spawns [cue foreboding music]. But really, our first thought on glimpsing these precious photos is: If you're going to have a fake pregnancy with a fake fiance, shouldn't you wrap up all the little details by finding, y'know, a Caucasian baby? Just a thought...

August 31, 2006

"Would ya just watch the hair. Ya know, I spend a long time on my hair and he hit it; he hit my hair."

Church of Scientology ready to back new Cruiser films. Worldwide frenzy builds for "Battlefield Earth 2".

After the "Top Gun" star was dropped by Paramount, he was shopping around for financiers, and a source reports that top execs at the Church of Scientology said that the group would fund his films if no other backers stepped forward. The talks ended when a group led by Washington Redskins owner Daniel M. Snyder reached a two-year financing deal with Cruise. A spokeswoman for Cruise's production company, Cruise-Wagner, labels the story "completely untrue" and a rep for the Church of Scientology didn't respond to The Scoop's requests for comment."

After brainwashing his "fiance", birthing his "baby" [spawn] and ruining his "career", we're somewhat surprised that the Church of Scientology would have time to start producing Cruiser movies. But we're really hoping it's all true, because we've been waiting SIX LONG, PAINFUL YEARS for Battlefield Earth 2. Put the Cruiser in one of those sweet leather outfits, give him some nose plugs, and you got yourself a hit.

August 30, 2006

"Put me in Mr. Snyder! I am the greatest 5'2" football player ever!"

"Put me in Mr. Snyder! I am the greatest 5'2" Bug Bunny ever!"
Pro football, theme parks, and the Cruiser join forces. What could possibly go wrong with this combination?

Actually, we would pay to see the worlds of NFL football and Scientology collide. Does this mean the Redskins will start setting up Free Stress Test booths before every game? We love the idea of tailgaters trying to work E-meters, while the perky Scientology "counselors" are beaten with tire irons by Eagles fans (of course). From LA Times:

"Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder [ed. note: might be even shorter than Tom. Seriously.], who recently wrested control of Six Flags Inc., is said to be a leading investor in an agreement that would give Cruise less than $3 million to finance staff and office expenses. In exchange, Snyder and the others will have the ability to finance movies developed by Cruise and his producing partner, Paula Wagner. The deal gives Cruise less than the $3 million that he reportedly turned down from Paramount Pictures to renew his longtime deal with the studio that expires Thursday. Cruise and Wagner had been receiving an estimated $10 million from Paramount to cover their overhead under the soon to be expired deal."

Only a $7 million pay cut? In the words of Frank the Tank: "That's the way you do it, that's the way you negotiate!"

On the bright side, he will now get to live out his lifelong dream of wearing the Bugs Bunny suit in the Six Flags theme parks' Parade of Stars! The Cruiser does NOT play Daffy Duck, got it?

August 28, 2006

Dear Alan, Your ideas intrigue me and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter. - M. Gibson

TCIN Mailbag: Psychiatrists + Drug Barons + Zionists + Mel Gibson + Muslims + Vitamins = Awesome.

As our loyal readers know, we very rarely grant a letter writer the honor of being posted outside of the Letters section. The last time this happened, it was a man named "Darren" and his heartwarming letter about how we were bigoted against aliens and his alien religion. Ah, the memories. But now, we have a new entry in the race to Defcon 1 craziness. We'll call this writer "Alan" (once again, because that's his name). His work is entitled, "Tom is a Hero". Enjoy:

"Tom Cruise is not nuts but a courageous whistleblower on the twin industries of psychiatry and the drug barons who support each other. At great risk to himself he has pointed this out and is paying the price through an organized campaign funded by the drug industry and psychiatrists who want to numb the minds of Americans so that the Zionists can take over - just ask Mel Gibson. Clearly your site is Zionist funded to bring down a great American by quoting him out of context and admittedly making him look stupid - which is your deceitful aim. If you know so much about psychiatry why don't you take Prozac and get a better view on life? You got him sacked from Paramount - so I hope you a really proud of yourself. If we had listened to Tom and given the malnourished Muslims in the middle east the vitamins they need we wouldn't have the terrorist problem we have today."

Let's all say it together: pyschiatrists, drug barons, Zionists, oh my! Throw in a dash of Mel Gibson, call us Zionist lackeys, blame terrorism on lack of vitamins and, BAM! You got yourself some pure, industrial strength, Grade A crazy. Take that, "Darren".

August 28, 2006

"Don't worry, Tommy, you're still more popular than me! By one spot! .... Prop comics rule!"

The Cruiser's latest Q scores released. Bad news for Tom: positive perception has fallen 40%. Good news for Tom: negative perception has risen 100%! Oh wait...

From AP:
"Then, there are the Q scores. Those are a way of rating celebrity popularity. An executive with Marketing Evaluations Incorporated, the company that calculates the scores, says Cruise's positive perception has fallen about 40 percent in the last year. And his negative perception has jumped nearly 100 percent."

Reasons given for the rise in the Cruiser's negative perception included: "His attack on Brook Shields", "Anti-psychiatric drug stance", "Jumping on the couch like a cocaine-fueled howler monkey", and "I saw that funny website about him, y'know, the nuts one? They drew this funny picture of him. It made me laugh. They're silly."

On the bright side for Tom, he still rates higher than many things, including: O.J. Simpson, malaria-carrying mosquitos, ingrown toenails, virulent stomach flu, income taxes and Carrot Top.

August 25, 2006

The Cruiser finds new project. Publicist characterizes it as "Loosely autobiographical".

Thanks to loyal reader "Big Rick" (look, we didn't name the guy. If he wants to go by "Big Rick", he can go by "Big Rick"), we've obtained this pre-release version of the poster for Tom's final Paramount project.

Much like MI3, we expect it to involve lots and lots of running while making a serious "look how hard I'm running" face. Good stuff.

August 25, 2006

"Yes! Whooooo! Career suicide! Whoooooohoooo!" [insert triple fist pump]


Team Cruiser fires back. Claims they have new deal. Team Paramount fires back. Claims he's still fucking nuts.

Let the bloody battle of PR flacks begin! Wielding their Bluetooth headsets in berserker like fashion, they have been loosed onto the streets and coffee shops of LA to duel to the death over the Cruiser and Sumner Redstone "brouhaha":

Team Cruiser opens with a perky slap to the face. Take that Sumner, you bitch. (NY Times):
"As for Mr. Redstone's allusion to Mr. Cruise's conduct, Ms. Wagner fired back, "I have no answer for a stupid statement." She speculated that Mr. Redstone was "trying to save face," having learned from Wall Street chatter of Mr. Cruise's hunt for alternative financing.."

Team Paramount responds by kicking them straight in the nuts (NY Times):
"A spokesman for Mr. Redstone, Carl Folta, scoffed at Ms. Wagner's talk of new financial backers. "Did they give you a name?" he said."

Team Cruiser, hunched over, one hand feebly trying to shield their abused private parts, mumbles back while gasping for air (Defamer):
"Extra's" Jerry Penacoli spoke to Paula Wagner, Tom Cruise's production partner, about Viacom's announcement that it was ending its 14-year relationship with the duo. Wagner said, "I think it's disgraceful that someone who wants to end a business deal...makes it's the height of unprofessionalism...we think people will find it hard to work with Paramount in the future."

Team Paramount, perhaps giving a hint to their strategy, kicks them straight in the nuts again (LA Times):
"Tom's representatives are entitled to be emotional, but we're doing business with CAA today and tomorrow and expect to for many years to come.""

Team Cruiser rolls up into a ball on the ground, weeps quietly to itself (From Us):
"Can we get a bag of ice, over here? Dear Xenu, it hurts!"

August 23, 2006

"Hello? Anyone there? Any movie execs reading this? Helloooooo? Big star needs a new deal over here... Anyone? Please? I'll show you some fake baby pictures.... Hey, does this angle make my nose look big?"

BREAKING NEWS: Paramount dumps the Cruiser. Team Cruiser cites, "Mutual decision". Paramount cites, "He's fucking nuts".

Well, you had to see this coming. It appears the proverbial insanity chickens (it's a saying, look it up) have come home to roost. From CNN:
"Paramount Pictures will end its longstanding relationship with Cruise/Wagner Productions, actor Tom Cruise's production company, citing his erratic behavior, according to a published report. Sumner Redstone, CEO of Paramount owner Viacom (Charts), said in an interview with The Wall Street Journal that appeared in Wednesday's edition that Cruise's controversial behavior over the last year - including advocating for Scientology and denouncing the use of antidepressant drugs - was the cause for the move. A statement from Cruise/Wagner Productions tried to characterize the split as more of a mutual decision. "Agents for Cruise/Wagner Production Company ceased negotiations with Paramount over a week ago and has since secured independent financing," said the spokesman for the firm."

Nice try by the poor Cruise publicity flack, but it's going to be tough to spin this one when the CEO of Paramount is calling your client a wackjob... in print... in the Wall Street Journal. And by the way, if this is what all the great publicity of having a fake baby with a fake wife gets you, well, there's just no justice in this world.

28 July 2006.


Your editor, The Colonel.

Look - we KNOW we're funny. Of course we know we're funny. We KNOW we're world famous. We KNOW this website is usually #2 or #3 on Google when typing in "Tom Cruise." We KNOW we should be selling t-shirts with our incredible logo, damn what the Cruiser's lawyers say. (Like we could possibly have any real detrimental effect on the Cruiser's ability to make an income. Please. It's ridiculous.) We KNOW we should be watching and commenting 24/7 on this freaky situation with "Maybe Baby" Suri. We know we're awesome.

But we're getting sick of the Cruiser, we have other ideas brewing, and we have real jobs (which we will of course quit the moment one of these websites truly makes a ton of dough).

So here's the deal. Are YOU funny? Can YOU write stuff like this on a daily or several-times-daily basis. Can YOU deal with hundreds (and hundreds) of emails a week from people who Blackberry us when they see TomKat in Paris? Do YOU have good ideas about how to morph this into something else? And - seriously - are you funny?

If you are, send us a couple of sample postings. Or links to other stuff you've done. If we think you're good, you've got yourself a job running this thing. No - there's no pay - you make money if we all make money (terms to be negotiated, natch). What you get out of this is satisfaction. And an inflated ego from knowing that tens of thousands of people are reading your stuff each week. And maybe be on TV. And the opportunity to work with us on other projects so you too might be able to quit that job.

Yes - we still get that kind of traffic.

So whaddya got? Bring the funny.

May 9, 2006

Okay, you tell us: which one is taller? Yeah, not exactly rocket science...

BREAKING NEWS: Tom Cruise is short.

It appears that MI3's box office numbers weren't the only thing to come up short this weekend [bada bing! zing! sound of smashing a watermelon with a comicly oversized mallet!]. The gossip columns are all abuzz this morning about the Cruiser's first post-spawn "birth" appearance with "Kate" Holmes in which he miraculously appears to have grown several inches! From NY Daily News:
"According to numerous published reports, Cruise is 5 feet, 7 inches tall and his wife-to-be, Katie Holmes, is between 5-feet-8 and 5-feet-9... When Cruise and Holmes first went public with their romance last year in Rome, where they were frequently photographed smooching, their altitude difference was sharp and clear. But on the red carpet at the L.A. premiere of "M:i:III" the other night, Tom and Katie were ... well .. exactly the same height! And Katie was wearing what appeared to be white patent leather Roger Viviers that come with a 3 1/4-inch heel - which would have raised her height to over 6 feet. So how is it that Tom could stand with her eye to eye, when he should have been staring at her chin? Cruise's spokesman, Paul Bloch, insisted that nothing was out of the ordinary: "He had normal shoes on." But the most plausible answer appears to be lifts - which, when built inside the heel of a standard dress shoe, can easily add inches."

Oh, this is too good to be true. He really thought he could spontaneously grow from 5'7" to over 6' without anyone noticing? We've always known he had issues about his size, but at least his penile implant is hidden by his pants. Come on, Cruiser, you gotta be more subtle than 6 inch lifts...

May 9, 2006


What's that loud, flopping noise we hear? Oh, right, MI3...

So the weekend box office numbers are in, and they are not looking very good for the Cruiser. Apparently, we weren't the only ones who decided not to go see the Cruiser run and run and run and... well, all he pretty much does is run, actually. From Deadline Hollywood:
"Paramount's MI3 will gross only a disappointing $47.4 million for this opening weekend. That's way down from the pre-Friday estimates of $63 million from 4,054 theaters. After Friday's numbers came in, I was told by rival studios that MI3 would end the opening weekend with mid-$40 millions -- $45 mil-to-$46 mil. That's also much, much lower compared with MI2's 2000 gross of $57 mil for the Friday-Saturday-Sunday period and $71 mil over the 4-day Memorial Weekend. Friday night's MI3 box office figure was only in the vicinity of $17 mil domestically, Saturday's night's 18.4 mil and Sunday's estimated at a feeble $13 mil."

So, basically, not good. We can all now expect an avalanche of "has Tom Cruise's weird behavior destroyed his movie star image" articles. Short answer: yes. There, we just saved you the pain of reading any more articles about the Cruiser. Though to be honest, we think the fact that our site comes up #3 when you Google 'Tom Cruise' should have been a little bit of a hint that his image is slightly tarnished. Just a tad.

May 5, 2006

The Cruiser "dances" on BET. Instantly embarasses all Caucasians everywhere.

Wow. Now that man has got rhythm! We're not even sure what to call this dance. He's apparently trying to do the Yung Joc "It's Going Down" dance (we don't really know what that is either, but we're guessing the bizarre spasms he's having in this video are NOT IT). We especially like the cool "Vroom, Vroom" hand gestures he's doing. We're thinking of calling this the "Epileptic Monkey on a Motorcycle" dance. Got any better ideas? Let us know...

May 3, 2006

"You want to take me on, Lauer? You must have the courage of a madman! Look how butch I look on my hog! In leather!"

The Cruiser still hates Matt Lauer. Blood feud between two strangely feminine men continues.

Gawker has sources claiming that the Cruiser was suppose to do a red carpet interview with Al "TrimSpa" Roker for the NY premiere of... wait, what's his new movie called again? Gosh, we just haven't seen enough publicity for this thing yet, and sometimes it just slips our mind... something with a '3' in it? Well, we're sure they'll get around to promoting it someday... From Gawker
"Per usual, this is all uncomfirmed, but: We'd heard that Al Roker Productions was hitting the red carpet at the Ziegfield premiere for a 30-minute live show on NBC. The plan was simple - Cruise dramatically rides up the Hudson in a speedboat, then literally runs to the red carpet for the Roker interview. Unfortunately, it seems that the someone at the studio has not only refused to let Roker conduct the interview, but also forbade the jolly weatherman from interviewing anyone in the cast. So why the last-minute refusal? Supposedly (and that's a big supposedly) it's because Roker also co-hosts the Today show with Cruise's mortal enemy, the Ritalin and SSRI-supporting Matt Lauer."

Yes! You may call it unconfirmed speculation, but we call it pure gold. Coming this summer: The Cruiser vs. The Lauer - Part II - The Rumble in Rockefeller Center. Remember tough guys, no hair pulling and no scratching. Bitch slapping, though, is probably unavoidable.

May 1, 2006

"YES, Double Jay! J2! These are my words for you!"

The Cruiser writes bizarre literary tribute to JJ Abrams. Then starts humping his leg.

From Time
"A story this size isn't enough for this man [weirdly homoerotic start, but ok...]. It's hard to convey with brevity [so he won't try] the extraordinary experience of knowing and working with J.J. Abrams. First of all, is there anything in a name-J.J.? Look at the Jays we have now-Jay Leno, J. Lo, Jay-Z-but he's got two Js. He was born to impinge and invade pop culture. [What the fuck did any of that mean? Jay Leno and J. Lo? Is he actually retarded?] Any person who has been exposed to his TV creations Alias or Lost has felt the rapture of his storytelling [or the rapture of his heady musk]. He is a story dealer. He delivers what could be called the Lay's of yarns: you can't watch just one [way to stay current with the cultural references, Tom]. I watched all of Alias' first season in two days, pushing all aside to the near destruction of my personal and business life. I had to tear myself away. They harken back to the classic cliffhangers of early cinema serials, with the bravado of my favorite pulp-fiction novels-the adventure, the characters, all of it. I just couldn't get enough [of his heady musk]. And in spite of the trepidations of many and sundry movie executives, I knew it was a no-brainer to hire him to direct the third Mission: Impossible. I couldn't wait to work with the Double J. [oh christ, he gave him a lame, fratboy nickname?! Do you think Double Jay calls him The Cruiser?] From the very beginning, there was an insouciance that promised anything was possible [what!? was that suppose to mean something?]. He's a creative juggernaut and someone who recognizes the joy of creating [yes, creating visions of our forbidden love in my mind. Swoon...]. We had great fun laying waste to the specious barriers and the each-person-does-his-own-job structure of filmmaking [Fuck yeah! Take that, 'specious barriers'! We always hated 'specious barriers']. J.J., who is just 39, even did three Industrial Light & Magic special-effects shots in the movie personally. He is an actor, writer, director, closet cartoonist [hee-hee], a composer, puppeteer [?], puzzlemaker, humorist, modelmaker[?], loving husband to his beautiful wife (can you believe this coincidence?) Katie [OMG! What a coincidence! Is his relationship a public relations farce too? Cause then it would be a REAL coincidence] and father of three glorious children. Gotta give it up for that J2. ['Give it up for', right? That's what the hip cats are saying these days, right?] "

Yeah, he really wrote this masterpiece of literary dry humping. It's just too easy, so: Insert Brokeback Mountain joke here.

April 26, 2006

"Uh, Tom... it's not a real award, it's just a mug, you don't have to give an acceptance speech.... Seriously, there's no one here.... Stop thanking people!"

The Cruiser expresses his joy at child's birth by leaving on press tour of Europe. Father of the Year Award virtually locked up.

From ABC
"Cruise, 43, told reporters Tuesday he had called fiancee Katie Holmes, 27, "about a billion times" to check on the couple's daughter, born last Tuesday in Los Angeles. The actor, who was visiting London for the British premiere of his new film, "Mission: Impossible III," spent more than two hours on the red carpet outside a London theater, greeting well-wishers. Asked if he was missing his new child, he said, "How can you not, she's beautiful," and explained why the couple had chosen the name Suri. "We thought it was a really nice, sweet name. A lyrical name, [an Alpaca name]" Cruise told reporters. Cruise said he had doubts about leaving his infant daughter to promote his new movie across Europe, but said Holmes had encouraged him to continue working. "The pilots are on standby if I need to go back," he said."

Some people might question a new father's committment to his "family" when he flies off to Europe the same week his alien love child is born, but not us. We're taking him at his word that he's called her a "billion times". See, a billion is a lot. Carl Sagan taught us that.

April 24, 2006

This could be the reincarntion of L. Ron Hubbard! .... Really? Are you SURE that's not him? We really think this is him...

Cruisegate Namegate Update 3: Suri in Persian, Japanese, French and Scientologist Conspiracy-ese.

So we've gotten a lot of loyal reader email aboout this whole name thing. In fact, we dare say that we're all becoming a bit "nuts" about this issue (get it? "Nuts"? See what we did there, using our site name in a deliciously witty turn of phrase? Oh dear, we are such rascals...). We've had Persian-speaking readers inform us that, in the first place, contrary to the Cruiser's claim, their lanuguage is actually called "Farsi", and second, contrary to the Cruiser's claim, Suri does not mean "rose". It means "To blow a trumpet" or "talk foolishly or at random." Japanese-speaking readers have pointed out that "Suri" means "pickpocket" in Japanese. French-speaking readers have noticed that "Suri" sounds like "Souris", which means mouse in French. So all that is just super. But the best explanation (or "crazy conspiracy theory" if you prefer) came from a reader who goes by the nom de guerre Darth Chef:
"Suri = S.U.R.I.
Scientology's Ultimate Resurrection Incarnate.
Some say the "I" is for "Idea" but now that it is for real, the "I" stands for Incarnate.
Tom's baby is actually the spawn of L. Ron himself, not Thomas J. Mapother IV. The plot I am about to share with you has been in the works since L. Ron was alive (the first time around).
Soon after Tom Cruise met Katie Holmes, he approached the highest figures in Scientology. He let them know that he found a perfect specimen to carry SEED. For those of you who don't know what SEED is, it is the sperm specimen retrieved from L. Ron Hubbard upon his deathbed. For years it had been kept in a classified location. Only OT Level 3 Scientologists who were viewed as qualified were considered candidates for implanting SEED. When Tom approached COS, they quickly obliged. They entrusted Tom Cruise with the role of implanting SEED into Katie Holmes. The fertilization was obviously successful...This could be the true reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard. Let the ultimate battle between good and evil begin. "

Wow. Now, THAT, people, THAT is how you come up with a crazy name theory! Good stuff! See, it seems batshit insane when you first read it, but then you start thinking about it and you start thinking about the people involved... and, holy shit, it all makes sense! We're not convinced yet, and will remain loyal to our Alpaca Theory, but we are impressed...

April 21, 2006

"Suri? That's a kind of alpaca, right?"

Cruisegate Namegate Update 2: The Cruiser to Israelis - "You don't know Hebrew. I do!"

From TV Shark:
"Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' choice of a Hebrew-flavored name for their newborn daughter has speakers of the language scratching their heads. Baby Suri's name can be traced to a Hebrew word meaning "princess" or "noblewoman," but by such a circuitous route that the connection is lost on most Israelis. Since the birth Tuesday in Los Angeles, bemused Israeli TV and radio presenters have debated the word's origins. "Nobody here has ever really heard of it," an announcer on Israel's Army Radio said during a discussion Thursday. The Yediot Ahronot newspaper agreed in its half-page splash on the celebrity birth. "We seem to have learned a new Hebrew word and from Tom Cruise, no less," said a Channel 2 TV anchorman."

So according to people who actually speak the language, Team Cruise's claims that "Suri" is Hebrew seem a bit stretched. What does this mean? That's right, we're right back to the Alpaca Theory (previously known as the Cockatoo Theory). You can't hide the truth, Tom.

April 20, 2006

Fun Fact about Suri the Alpaca: Suri was not only a pet alpaca, but also invented the E-meter!

Cruisegate Namegate Update: L. Ron Hubbard's beloved pet cockatoo "Suri" may have actually been a beloved pet alpaca. Our bad.

A loyal reader has pointed out to us that "Suri" is actually a type of alpaca. Y'know, those poor, misunderstood cousins of the llama. From (and how we wish we had thought to register that domain):
"Suri alpacas are distinguished in the camelid family by their unique fiber characteristics. The fiber grows parallel to the body while hanging in long, separate, distinctive locks. Its artistic style enhances the graceful appearance of the animal compared to the soft, wooly look of huacaya alpacas."

Well, we guess if you were going to name your daughter after a member of the camelid family, the least you could do is choose one with "distinctive locks" and "artistic style". Well done, Cruiser, well done. We see no reason at all why she should would ever resent you for this choice... seriously, what blossoming young girl wouldn't look forward to an entire life of "camel toe" jokes?
April 19, 2006

Fun Fact about Suri the Cockatoo: Suri was not only a pet cockatoo, but also a fully qualified Scientology Auditor!

BREAKING NEWS: "Suri" may not, in fact, be the name of L. Ron Hubbard's beloved cockatoo. New theory emerges.

A loyal reader emailed us a new theory on the origins of the mysterious "Suri" name. We thought it was interesting enough to share with the rest of our loyal readers. We, however, are sticking to the Cockatoo Theory:
There has been a lot of explanation of the name "Suri", that it means a princess, blah, blah, blah. Surrey is the headquarters of Scientology in the UK and home to Saint Hill Manor, owned by, you guessed it! L. Ron: "L. Ron Hubbard, the final owner, purchased the estate in 1959, establishing it as his family residence. Best known as acclaimed author and founder of the Scientology religion, Mr. Hubbard carried out much of his research into the mind and the spirit of man at Saint Hill. Hundreds of students came from all four corners of the earth to study under him. In the impressive library, his 560 published works can be seen, in subjects ranging from fiction, photography and art to philosophy, education and even drug rehabilitation, for which he has received hundreds of international awards. Mr. Hubbard had extensive renovations carried out of the manor and personally oversaw much of the work - his aim was to restore the house to its original beauty. The numerous marble fireplaces and floors have been expertly restored and polished, and original woodwork rejuvenated. Wood cabinetry that had been hidden for a century has been unmasked and newly brought to view. As a result of the constant care and upkeep, the manor today is in outstanding condition."

Hmmmmm... very interesting. Sounds like the Silent Birth of a new Cruisegate to us!
April 19, 2006

Did the Binky make it?

The Wednesday Cruisegate Countdown: Updating the Cruiser's current scandal status

Welcome to our new feature in which we take a brave, possibly even foolhardy, trip through the list of currently open scandals (Cruisegates, if you will) in the life of the Cruiser. Let the countdown begin:

1) Silent Birth-gate: So what really happened in the mystical Scientology birthing chamber (the Silentotorium™)? Team Cruise has provided no details of how things went... not that we're expecting them to be honest and say, "Katie screamed like a banshee, and Tom kept jumping on and off her bed shouting nonsensical exhortations ('Yes! Whoowaa! Turn and burn! I'm in love!', Etc.)". Still, so many questions remain unanswered: did she use the iPod? Is "Danger Zone" still her favorite song? What is the condition of the "Binky"? Did it survive the experience or was it cruely bitten in twain? When will it show up on eBay? America needs to know.
2) Placenta-gate: Even though it's part of the whole birthing thing, we consider this its own separate Cruisegate. First he hold GQ he was going to eat the placenta, then he told ABC he was just kidding. Still, we think he might have been preaching the true gospel the first time around. So what happened to the placenta? And how do they prove he didn't eat it, if, in fact, he didn't? Did they save it in a big Tupperware container so they can bring it out for a press conference? "See, I didn't eat it, here it is! By showing this bloody placenta to the world's media, I have finally proven my sanity! Yes!" [insert fist pump here]
3) Online Poll... gate (shit, we got to work on our "gate" names): Parade magazine (known worldwide for its hard-hitting journalism) has pulled the results of its online poll in which it asked readers who was to blame for Tom Cruise's PR problems. 84% of respondents blamed "the Press" for distorting the Cruiser's image. Somewhat surprised by this result (i.e. slack-jaw stunned), they examined the poll results and found that of the 18,000-plus votes cast, more than 14,000 came from only 10 computers. One computer alone was the source of nearly 8,400 votes. Gee, we wonder whose computer that was... we're guessing the owner has a screen name like SexyBoyTopGunTom112. But we're glad the Cruiser is learning to love the internet... of course, when he googles himself - and you know he just has to google himself - he might be a tad bit upset to find our site comes up #3. Oops.

April 19, 2006

Ed. Note: Not actual birthing pose

Irony, thy name is Brooke: Brooke Shields gives birth to a girl.

From CNN
"The actress gave birth Tuesday to Grier Hammond Henchy, who weighed 7 pounds, spokeswoman Pat Kingsley said. Shields, 40, and husband Chris Henchy, a 42-year-old television writer and producer, also have a daughter, Rowan, who turns 3 next month. They have been married since 2001. The birth came the same day that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes welcomed the arrival of daughter Suri."

Wow, this is sort of weird. Y'know, in a "how under the holy fucking sun did this happen" kind of way. Think their kids will have joint birthday parties? BFF!! That would be so cute... Anyway, we hear the Cruiser was last seen speeding out of his Hollywood home on his fastest motorcycle (newborn spawn safely tucked in its custom, space ship-shaped sidecar), waving a box of vitamins over his head, heading in the direction of Brooke's house, screaming "There is no post-partum depression! Yeeeeehaaaaw!" [insert fist pumps here]
April 18, 2006

Please note that actual alien spawn may also have a forked tail.

The Cruiser Spawn Carrying Vehicle (CSCV) no longer carrying spawn.

So it happened. Katie either gave birth tonight, or, depending on your level of cynicism, took the beach ball out from under her shirt as her Scientology handlers quickly handed her a baby/spawn "volunteered" by a loyal Scientology underling. They've named the female baby/spawn Suri, which we believe was the name of L. Ron Hubbard's beloved pet cockatoo. Oh, how he did love that cockatoo.
April 18, 2006

Artist rendering of "Darren"


We here at gets lots of email from our loyal readers. Some funny, some not so much. And as our loyal readers know, we generally post these excellent contributions in our Letters section. However, every once in a while, a very "special" email arrives at our cyber door that cannot, nay, must not be ignored. A concerned reader - let's just call him "Darren" for lack of a better name (and because that is his name) - emailed us the following:

Subject: Site you are hosting :

Dear Sirs,

I'm writing to you regarding your site you are hosting called: and I know others from my congregation have written you as well. The general response received back from your firm was on the order that this site is a parody and does not promote hatred.

Well let's look at the definition of Parody in the Microsoft Encarta Dictionary which states: 1. Amusing imitation: a piece of writing or music that deliberately copies another work in a comic or satirical way. (Microsoft Encarta Reference Library 2005. All rights reserved.) Can you kindly explain how the.. "Buy the shirt and let her know! Scream Katie Scream" with a picture of an alien face falls into this category? You obviously know what is to follow this as it is right there in the "And Coming Soon Section" regarding Tom on Alien Abduction which is a direct religious hatred linked to the T-shirt.

We've read this letter over and over (between wiping the tears out of our eyes), and, other than coming to the conclusion that Darren and his "congregation" need to order a couple of art history CD's sent along with their next Encarta order (seriously, who knew Munch's Scream was an alien?), we are completely befuddled by this thing. First, we think it's amusing that his congregation members received a response from our "firm", because, y'know, we have no idea who these people are. And second... who are these people!?! As best we can figure it, they believe we are promoting religious hatred against aliens. Seriously. We're alien bigots.

So do Darren and his congregation worship aliens? Do they think they are aliens? Really, somebody has to help us out with this one. So, if anyone has any ideas what kind of religion/cult we're dealing with here, send your guesses and enter out new contest! That's right, it's the Name That Crazy Alien Religion Contest! Winners get a free trip on Darren's space ship. Wheeee! That'll be fun for the whole family!

April 18, 2006

All must cower before the dark lord of Scientology! "Ah, Mr. Benkow. I find you lack of faith... disturbing "

The Cruiser has first interview "mishap". Expects all to quake in fear before his terrifying presence.

"The conversation was all smiles until reporter Björn Benkow [Swedish newspaper Aftonbladet Söndag] insisted that experts say that dyslexia cannot be cured by Scientology as Cruise has claimed. There was an awkward pause, then Cruise burst into laughter. “I’m going to, in any case, admit that you have the courage of a madman,” according to our translator. “This is something no journalist has dared say to me face-to-face. . . . Then the reporter mentioned Kidman and the two children that she and Cruise adopted. “Now you’ve gone over the line,” Cruise replied. Then, according to Benkow, one of Cruise’s two bodyguards put his hand on the reporter’s shoulder, and Cruise said: “Now, unfortunately, I have to end this, Mr. . . . ?”"

The "courage of a madman"? What, was Tom going to use the super-human strength of his mighty 5'4" frame to tear the poor Swede into tiny, smoked fish-scented pieces? Or use the terrifying power of his Scientology-honed brain to simply crush the insolent man's skull with a single thought? We had no idea what a dangerous man he was... Please, Oh Great and Mighty Cruiser, spare us!

April 18, 2006

"The Cruiser ate my baby!"

The Cruiser plans to eat the placenta. We should just stop being surprised by anything at this point, shouldn't we?

From the Mirror:
"The 43 year-old star told America's GQ magazine: "I'm going to eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm going to eat the cord and the placenta right there." Cruise, a devoted Scientologist, made the decision after reading the afterbirth contains important nutrients and vitamins.

Well, we know he does love his nutrients and vitamins. Personally, we would stick to the pill versions, but, hey, if a fresh placenta is your thing, that's your thing. Little wasabi and soy sauce - just like sushi!
Update: The Cruiser is apparently dismissing this quote as a joke. There, don't say we never give him a fair break. Now if he would just open up some more and dismiss this whole PR stunt of a relationship and fake/alien spawn/test tube-created pregnancy thing as a joke too, we would really start to respect him.

April 17, 2006

The Cruiser's next career move: zany stand-up comic.
"And what's the deal with airplane food? Zing!!"

The Cruiser scores big laughs at MI3 test screenings. Comic debut a rousing success!

Defamer has an insider report from an MI3 test screening.
"Saw a finished print of M:I3 last night at a test screening in the valley. At one point when Tom Cruise is trying to explain to Michelle Monaghan that he has to go away on a "business trip" (i.e. secret mission), she asks him if their relationship is "real" to which he responds "of course it's real." Our row snickered with laughter.
Also, not sure if it was intentional, but the end of the movie features a reference to "The Cruise." When Tom rides off into the sunset with his girl, his co-workers do the fists in the air stance from Oprah. Hifuckinglarious. "

So the Cruiser is just slayin'em at the multiplex this summer! He's like the next Carrot Top! Unfortunately - and we're just taking a wild guess here - we don't believe MI3 was suppose to be a comedy. But we suppose it's never too late to repackage a movie in Hollywood. Just reshoot a few scenes with Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson digitally inserted as a mismatched pair of lovably bumbling super spies, maybe have Will Ferrell do a wacky and unexpected cameo, and, VOILA! Comic gold.

When people start laughing at your dramatic on-screen relationship dialogue because of how they see you off-screen... well, let's just hope the movie doesn't include anymore "You complete me" moments. The multiplex aisles will run yellow with urine from everybody pissing themselves laughing.
April 14, 2006

"Don't tell me... you're pregnant, right? 'Cuz I notice things in people, that's how! Man, I'm good! Now, who's the father suppose to be? What do you mean, me?!!?"

BREAKING NEWS: The Cruiser can see into your very soul. He sees all, he knows all. He may, in fact, be an omnipotent super-being.

Seriously, this is his quote from the upcoming GQ profile when asked how he found out the CSCV (Cruiser Spawn Carrying Vehicle) was pregnant. We are NOT making this up:

"Oh, I—I looked at her. And I went, 'You’re gonna tell me if you're pregnant, aren't you?' It was a moment where… It was one of those things. And I knew at that moment she was pregnant. ’Cuz I notice things in people.”

That's right, she didn't even have to tell him. How is this possible, you ask? "Cuz I notice things in people." And who are we mere mortals to argue with such logic? So if you can't beat'em (and how can one beat an apparently all seeing, all-knowing super-being), make a t-shirt/coffee mug out of their dumbass quotes.

April 14, 2006

"Hey Tom, when you get to Hell, tell'em the Easter Bunny sent you. It's go time!"

The Cruiser celebrates Good Friday by repudiating his in-laws' Catholicism. Somebody is not getting an Easter basket this year.

The child, which is due imminently – Cruise has owned up to knowing the sex but has not revealed it – will not have a Catholic baptism, despite Holmes's having been raised a Catholic, says Cruise. Instead, like him, the baby and new mother will be Scientologists.

"No," Cruise tells Sawyer. "I mean, you can be Catholic and be a Scientologist. You can be Jewish and be a Scientologist. But we're just Scientologists."

Apparently you can also be a Blathering Wingnut and a Scientologist. Or you can be a Batshit Crazy Actor and a Scientologist. The options are almost endless...
April 14, 2006

Silent birth questions? Our new book has the answers! Introducing "Silent Birth for Dummies"!

Are you confused by all the stories and rumors surrounding the upcoming "Silent Birth" of our future alien spawn conqueror? Us too. And that's why we've written this exciting new guide to "Silent Birth": The Hitchhiker's Guide to Silent Birth!... wait, that's not the name we went with? Shit. We meant, Silent Birth for Dummies! It may not be accurate or complete or even researched, but it gets the job done. Some exciting excerpts about the "procedure" you need to know if you want try this cool new trend in birthin' babies:

- You need an iPod: Tom got Katie her very own special iPod to listen to during the silent birth to help keep her calm and quiet. It's loaded with over 300 of her (i.e. Tom's) favorite songs. Our guess is that it only contains Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone", repeated 300 times. Now that is a song for birthin'! We feel the need. The need, for speed! Wooo!
- You need an adult pacifier: Tom had a custom designed pacifier (a "Binky", if you will) made just for Katie's mouth. No word on whether it's flavored or not, but we would recommend something calming like chamomile or vicodin.
- You need signs: There will be sings hanging all around the delivery room, reminding Katie to be quiet. We came up with our own sign to help her out. We think Tom will be pleased.-->
- No grandmothers: Yes, Katie's mother is not welcome in the birthing room (the Silentotorium™, as we like to call it). We assume this is to keep her uncontrollable sobs of despair at the sight of what has become of her daughter from distracting Katie out of her "happy place".
- No talking to the spawn: So the miracle of birth has finally happened, and you've managed to avoid screaming out in pain to get you an epidural or you're going to castrate your man? Really? How the hell did you do that? Kelly Preston couldn't, and she and husband John Travolta are, like, huge Scientologists. Wow, you're good. But back to the point, which is that now you have your brand new bouncing baby spawn, don't talk to it! According the L. Ron, the baby must "be wrapped somewhat tightly in a warm blanket, very soft, and then left alone for a day or so." Sure, why not, that sounds healthy.

Okay, got all that? Good job! So if you too want to enjoy the magical wonderment that is "Silent Birth", pick up a copy of our upcoming book. You, and your unborn child, will thank us.... Or beat us over the head with the book... Either way, we've made money, so screw you.

April 13, 2006

The Cruiser tells GQ he can cure heroin addiction in 3 days. Thousands of heroin addicts begin lining up outside his Hollywood home. Neighborhood Association not pleased.

"Help us Healer Tom! We need your magic hands!"
(ed. note: photo may not include any actual heroin addicts)


April 13, 2006

IT has returned... and so must we... May God have mercy on us all

We tried. We really did. We thought he had stopped, we thought he had gone away. The new publicist had finally shut him up, the craziness was fading. We could return to our normal lives, sit back in our La-Z-Boys, and never have to say "the Cruiser" again. The year of a Scientology-juiced Hollywood star telling us how to live our lives had passed. It was a time of peace and plenty for all. At last, we could rest....

But then.... Something dark and nutty began to stir deep in its Scientology-cloaked lair. At first it was just whispers of nuttiness... rumors of a loveless, Made-for-TV relationship complete with awkwardly staged displays of public affection... then came more talk of strange "silent birth" rituals, complete with signs, a very special iPod, and a special pacifier (a "Binky" apparently) for the CSCV (Cruiser Spawn Carrying Vehicle) ... and then, slowly at first, but gradually growing in both strength and insanity, IT began to talk. First, only to Germans, probably in the hopes that a country that loves the musical stylings of David Hasselhoff wouldn't find him that strange. He sat on a motorcycle for them. Neat.

Strangely, the guy on the tricycle still looks less awkward than the Cruiser.

Next , to GQ, where he began to oh-so-gingerly restart last summer's Scientology promotional tour, touting his magical ability to cure drug addictions. And then, finally, the announcment we have been dreading for so many months: a primetime Diane Sawyer interview with the Cruiser. IT had indeed returned.

Then, suddenly, something became clear to us and we knew then that we must return. A confluence of events were conspiring to create a Perfect Storm of Tom Cruise Nuttiness - 1) impending silent birth of alien spawn, possibly bent on world domination, and 2) upcoming release of MI3 blockbuster, which means the Cruiser must go on every possible TV show to promote it. These events not only require the Cruiser to try to maintain the crumbling public facade of his "love" for his contractually obligated fiancee, but to go on TV over and over again to talk about it and the bizarre, silent arrival of his alien spawn. We think it's pretty clear where this is heading: The Cruiser's Summer CrazyFest II (tickets available via Ticketmaster, and don't get us started about those guys).

So. It begins again. And we will be here, standing tall, to meet the Cruiser as he refuels his funny car and comes careening straight for us again. Let the word ring out, Mr. Cruise - WE are not afraid.

December 6, 2005

The Cruiser spawn may be "male". For those keeping score, that would now make one "male" in the family.

From Spotlighting News :
"According to late rumors, superstars Tom Cruise and his fiancée, actress Katie Holmes, are expecting a baby boy, after Katie was spotted buying blue clothes. Katie, 26, who is five months pregnant, was spotted in top Los Angeles department store Neiman Marcus and exclusive boutique Le Petit Bateau, buying boys clothes. A source was quoted in The Sun as saying: "Katie didn't even look at any of the clothes or toys for girls. Katie bought lots of outfits. She went on a real spending spree. She was walking around the shops with her arms full of baby stuff and looking very pleased with herself."

Wait, do spawn have sexes? We always thought they were asexual, reproducing in those space pod thingies or maybe budding like amoebas... guess, we'll have to look that one up. And some of our readers have a few guesses what that brand new sonogram machine might be showing of the cute little "male":


-Guy Newby

December 6, 2005



The Cruiser sets wedding date. Unfortunately, we're busy that day. We expect a rescheduling shortly.

From NineMSN :
"Hollywood star Tom Cruise and his pregnant fiancée Katie Holmes are due to marry in July next year, according to a bridal registry. Upmarket retailer Neiman Marcus has a list under the names Katherine Holmes and Thomas Mapother — Cruise's real name — with a wedding date set for July 7, 2006. Strangely, no items were listed, with only a request: "The couple welcomes NM Gift Cards.""

Now, we're somewhat skeptical that this whole bridal registry journalistic scoop is for real, but what the hell, we'll roll with it. We especially like the fact that they only want NM Gift Cards. Where's the personal touch? And we're kind of surprised they didn't register at the Scientology Gift Shop. "His and Hers Monogrammed E-Meters", for example, would make a lovely wedding gift for the Scientology couple that has everything.

November 30, 2005

"Honey, have you seen my medical license? ... What do you mean I don't have one? Seriously? Since when?"
Tom Cruise slammed for buying sonogram. His new publicist found crying in a corner, shaking uncontrollably

From Ireland Online:
"Tom Cruise has been slammed for buying a sonogram machine for his pregnant fiancee Katie Holmes, with health experts warning that he's putting his unborn child at risk. Officials at the American College of Radiology (ACR) are highly concerned by Cruise's revelation that he purchased the device to track his child's progress, and they're warning him that he could be breaking the law if he's carrying out the scans himself. Dr Carol M Rumack, of the ACR Ultrasound Commission, says: "This is a patient safety issue. Untrained people, even if they have the financial means, should not buy, or be allowed to buy and operate, ultrasound machines which are, in fact, medical devices and should not be used without a medical indication. Images of the foetus are an opportunity to diagnose problems before birth that may require treatment. These images should be obtained by certified technologists under the supervision of physicians properly trained in ultrasound. The ACR is concerned that Tom Cruise has been badly advised regarding the use and potential abuse of ultrasound. There are many abnormalities that may be missed by the untrained eye. Also, if it is not medically necessary, the use of ultrasound raises unnecessary physical risk to the foetus."

New tabloid headline: Tom Cruise, baby killer! (Though we think the little spawn is probably safe, as we're guessing that the Cruiser hasn't even figured out how to plug the thing in yet, let alone start using it). Still, this has got be some kind of first in the annals of celebrity PR: with one deft move, he's not only broken the law but also put his unborn love spawn at "unnecessary physical risk". Well played, sir. Well played. [slow clapping]

November 30, 2005

"Are you crying yet? No? Okay, wait a sec.... How about now? Not even a little tear duct action?"
BREAKING NEWS - Barbara Walters interviews the Cruiser. BREAKING NEWS - He's still nuts.

From Tribune Media:
"I WILL forever be jumping on couches!" That's Tom Cruise talking to Barbara Walters on Walters' "The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2005" special, airing at 10 p.m. Tuesday on ABC (Channel 9). Cruise has no regrets. Not for his public exuberance over Katie Holmes ("All men should jump on couches ... all men should celebrate their women") and not for his challenging "chat" with Matt Lauer over antidepressants. Cruise also addresses the "Scientology birth" rumors -- that Holmes won't have pain drugs and will be utterly silent while delivering. Cruise says: "Like anything, you want to be as quiet as possible. There have been misinterpretations that the woman can't make any noise, and that's just not true. It's nutty. No, but just calm and quiet. I want Katie to be as comfortable as possible. And whatever she's gonna go through, she's gonna go through. And I'm gonna be there." (This doesn't exactly address the issue of a woman in childbirth suffering intractable pain and needing painkillers.) "

That's right, folks, he has no regrets. We're jumping on a couch right now! .... shit, we just fell off. And it's not a "silent birth", but just "calm and quiet". Because, as we all know, "like anything, you want to be as quiet as possible." Soooo... does that include publicity tours where you jump up and down couches, scream about how much you're in love, and tell the whole world to stop taking all prescription drugs? Like, that kind of quiet?
November 29, 2005

1st Annual Name the Cruiser's Spawn Contest gets mainstream media attention. Sort of.

Nice work, loyal readers. Our little home-grown Name the Spawn contest has been picked up by some entertainment news sites. And, this being Hollywood, some of them immediately try to steal the idea.

From "Satiric (kind of) website "Tom Cruise is Nuts" did a little reader poll asking what Tom Cruise should name the baby he and Katie Kate Holmes are having. I'll give you three guesses what the top picks were. No, you don't win anything if you're right, because this is such a total no-brainer. Readers want Tom and Kate to name their baby Brooke (hah!) if it's a girl and L. Ron or some variant of that name (after Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, if you haven't been keeping up) if it's a boy.... What do you think Cruise and Holmes should name their baby?"

Now, we have no problem with other people playing our little game (especially considering we got the idea from our loyal reader, Suzy. Nice work, Suzy), but isn't it common web courtesy to actually link to our site if you're "blogging" a post about us? We don't see a link. Do any of you see a link? Just asking...
[update: The editor of Kim Voynar, sent us this email: "I just saw your post about the story we did on your "Name Tom Cruise's Baby" contest. I wrote the post myself, and the omission of the link back to your site was an oversight and completely my fault. It is our policy to always link to other sites when we post about anything on them, and the error was entirely mine, and has been corrected. All of the Weblogs, Inc. sites are very conscious of this issue, as we have our content plagerized all the time. So please accept my sincerest apologies and my assurance this was an oversight, not an intent to steal your idea." Okay, we accept. But does this mean Kim won't be accepting our challenge to face off in the Ultimate Fighting octagon? Cause, we been training, like, hard, and were SO going to kick some ass. Man, we're tough.]
November 29, 2005

"Dee plane! Dee plane!"
The Cruiser named a "bad tipper". Also "rude". Also "complete screaming lunatic". Okay, that last one was us.

From Post Chronicle: "A report from the website entitled has labeled TomKat a cheapskate. has thousands of entries listing the identities of the generous gratuity avoiders. The so-called 'Shitty Tipper Database' has famous names and regular citizen's side-by-side for turning cheap when the check came.
Tipper's Name: Tom Cruise
Where it happened: New York
Total bill/Tip amount/Percentage: $458.63/$5.00/ 1%
What happened?
Tom and Katie Holmes were absolutely rude as anything I've ever seen!"

$5 on a $458 bill?!? Maybe he's saving money on tips so he can refund everyone who bought a ticket to War of the Worlds? Just a suggestion...
November 28, 2005

"L. Ron" is the #1 choice... wait, what do you mean that's not him?! Really? Could have sworn it was him...
1st Annual Name the Cruiser's Spawn Contest update: L. Ron takes early lead.

[update: the results page is now up! And current #1 choice for a girl? Brooke.]

So once again, it appears that you - our loyal readers - enjoy these contests way too much. And that's why we love you.

Anyway, to the results: L. Ron is the obvious leader. Get it? "Obvious"? C'mon peope, let's think outside the box here... which reminds us, to the reader who guessed "Rollerball" - we salute you. Check our current results page where you can see all the guesses listed by popularity, but here are some of our favorites:

"GRAM" after that expensive sonogram machine his wealthy dad purchased to keep track of his growth." -Jonah

"A girl: Narconette Subservien Cruise (a huge disappointment for the Cruiser, but on the upside, a daughter can bring friends over for slumber parties and for the Cruiser to screen for future wives... so she's still a keeper!)" - Eric

Publicitie, Publicitee, Publicité
Petrie (after the dish the spawn was conceived in)
Maverick (after Tom's Top Gun character--very Hollywood)
Tom (for a girl)
Gosee M.I. Three [all the from same person! You're a sick puppy, "Katie". Well done.]

"Tom will name the spawn a name that can be shortened in multiple ways-- something like Bethany. Something that Tom has control over. He renamed Katie "Kate" didn't he??? So I think that Tom need the power to call his kid Beth, Betty, or just plain 'B' whenever he wants. Tom needs a name he can manipulate." - singra

"Pluto Ronald Oscar Zebidiah Alexander Cruise (P.R.O.Z.A.C)" - Tim

November 23, 2005

"Two... no, three tails. Is that normal?"
The Cruiser and the Cruiser Spawn Carrying Vehicle (CSCV) to wed after birth of "baby". Cruiser buys own sonogram machine. Embarrasses salesman when he demands to "take it for a spin" first, then smears jelly on his own stomach.

From ET: "The new issue of People mag, on stands Friday, reports that Tom reveals that he and KATIE HOLMES will actually wed after their baby [spawn] is born -- possibly next summer or early fall -- but no date is set yet! The star also revealed that he bought his own sonogram machine so he can follow the baby's [spawn's] progress. According to People, a sonogram actually costs anywhere between $15,000 to $200,000! Tom also says once he and Katie's bundle of joy is born, he will donate the machine to a hospital. [can you sterilize spawn cooties?]"

So it appears that this magical whirlwind romance is starting to lose some of its whirl. If we were Katie's pre-nup negotiating father (and thankfully we are not), we would not be happy to be losing our best negotiating spawn... er, piece, before the actual wedding. And about this whole sonogram thing... what the F@$K!? Seriously? His own sonogram? What are the chances he can't read the directions right and starts smearing jelly on Katie's ass? Do you think he makes "vroom, vroom" noises as he runs it along her stomach? We can also just see him rolling the thing around the house, sonogramming the house plants, the couch, the neighbor's cat, the UPS man... men do love to play with their new toys.
November 21, 2005

They're so cute when they're little.
Reader has cool idea. Editors immediately "borrow" it.

Longtime reader, first-time writer "Suzy" sent us this inspiring email:

"I think the Cruiser will marry Katie on Dec 31st, so he can use her as a tax deduction. By the way when are you having the name the baby contest. Just wondering because I have some suggestions."

And thus, the 1st Annual Name the Cruiser's Baby Contest was born! Except, being much meaner people than Suzy, we have decided to immediately rename it the 1st Annual Name the Cruiser's Spawn Contest! Yay! So send your best guesses of what the little critter's name will be to, with Spawn Contest in the subject line. We will be posting a list of our favorites and tabulating reader favorites. Plus, the winner will receive a copy of Rollerball signed by star Chris Klein! Assuming we can actually, y'know, find a copy of Rollerball... or Chris Klein for that matter.
November 18, 2005

Finally! We're gonna sit at the Cool Table! moves up on Google. Editors finally achieve long lusted for popularity. Begin to ignore old loser friends.

An alert [bored at work] reader has pointed out to us that our little site has now moved up to #5 on Google when you search for "Tom Cruise". This, of course, is pure madness and we expect the world to come to an apocalyptic end very shortly. But while we're all still around and still able to enjoy snide comments about crazy celebrity PR stunts, we'd like to take a moment to thank our loyal readership. Sooo... thanks... we guess.... Wow, that was awkward.

We will now get back to enjoying our newfound popularity by completely forgetting about all our old friends and becoming the exact kind of popular asshole we always hated. Eventually we will realize what has happened and will learn an important lesson about being true to ourselves... or maybe it's about being true to others... whatever, we'll learn some kind of lesson.

[Update: Now #2 on Google. We think this is actually good news for Tom... somehow...]
November 18, 2005

It's the collar pop that makes this look. We're all about the collar pop.
The Cruiser rumored to have bought a jet for Katie (the Cruiser Spawn Carrying Vehicle) Holmes. Insists she sit behind him at all times and answer only to "Goose"

From ContactMusic. "TOM CRUISE has reportedly bought his pregnant fiancee KATIE HOLMES her own $20 million (GBP11.1 million) jet as a wedding present. The generous movie star is keen for Holmes to pick up his love of flying high [muffled snicker] and he has ordered a customised Gulfstream jet for her, according to US tabloid National Enquirer. An insider says, "Tom wanted to come up with the most amazing wedding gift ever, something that would make her life so much better than a big diamond on her finger."

November 17, 2005

South Park takes on the Cruiser. Unfortunately, no puppet sex involved.

In case any of our loyal readers missed it, South Park did a vicious Scientology/Tom Cruise spoof on last night's episode. Truly some nasty, mean-spirited, eviscerating, soul-crushing stuff. Obviously, we loved it. Show clip Also, Defamer does a great job pointing out the awkward corporate moment it helped create. We're talking "Man Hug" awkward...

November 16, 2005

"This is where my spawn lives... it's tail tickles..."
Katie Holmes (the Cruiser Spawn Carrying Vehicle, aka CSCV) reportedly to quit acting. Adolescent boys everywhere mourn lost opportunty to see her breasts again in "The Gift, Part Two"

From MSN: "The stunning 26-year-old - who is pregnant with fiancé Tom Cruise's baby [spawn] - allegedly wants to devote herself to being a full-time mother and housewife. A source told Britain's The Sun newspaper: "Katie has decided to give up acting altogether. She's been telling friends that she and Tom [just Tom] have decided it is best she stays at home and brings up their baby [spawn]." Her decision is raising a lot of eyebrows in Hollywood. She is at the perfect age for so many screen roles and has completely closed the door on a promising career."

Does this mean the Dawson's Creek Reunion show is dead? That blows. On the bright side, we won't have to hear that nausea-inducing theme song anymore.
November 11, 2005

When confronted by a crazed Cruise in the wild, experts recommend rolling up into a ball and playing dead. The Cruise will eventually lose interest and wander off.
Cruiser attack survivor Oprah opens up about her near-death experience. Appears to be scarred for life.

From ABC News: "It was wilder than it was appearing to me," Winfrey said. "I was just trying to maintain the truth for myself because I couldn't figure out what was going on. And what I was prepared for was the dance that happens when you're doing celebrities — when you know they're not going to tell you, but you're going to ask anyway, and then you try asking another way." Instead of the "dance," Winfrey was confronted with an Irish jig on top of her furniture. "I was not buying — not buying or not buying," Winfrey said of Cruise's declarations of love. "That's why I kept saying to 'you're gone, you're really gone.'"

Looks like the Cruiser might want to reconsider buying that house next to Oprah. Thankfully this does appear to kill our Operation "Evil Celebrity World Domination" theory... unless that's just what they want us to think... hmmmm...
November 10, 2005

"Dear, I never thought it could happen to me... "
Guess the Date contest update, Part Deux: our readers bring the funny

Judging by the number of entries from important government and economic institutions, our contest is having quite an effect on the productivity of the world's workforce. Neat. Some of our favorite "guesses" so far:

"Geez, December 24th? No, of course not! They'll get married on December 25th because, really, what better way to ruin everyone's Christmas Day (Holmes family, so much for Kidman spending Christmas with her kids in peace and quiet, guests that have booked into a hotel which now needs to be cleared on the Cruiser insisting on privacy, etc... - I can just imagine the mayhem!). Yeah, that's it!! Just the right day for someone so very important!"

"if poor poor Katie isn't re-programmed sometime in the immediate future, I predict the Cruiser and Katie's wedding date will be the day before the US release of Mission Impossible 3"

"Put me down for a Tom and Katie getting married on the 13th of March 2006 (L. Ron Hubbards birthday)."

"Guessing May 9 as the due date of the baby since that was the date in 1950 that Dianetics was first published"

"I'll go with Jan 1st. This way he'll be able to dump her on Dec. 31st of the 9th year so he doesn't have to pay her half of his net worth. It's just easier for him to remember Jan 1st."

"I predict that the Cruiser and the CSCV will get married on Bloogo's birthday. I'll bet that he's even mentioning it to them right as I type this...."

Bloogo never gets old...
November 9, 2005

"Just take the fucking picture, the Broncos game is on..."
Guess the Date contest update: we now know the date all women wish they had gotten married

The response to our new Guess the Date contest has been quite overwhelming. So thanks to our loyal readers, but we've decided to institute some changes. First, no one is allowed to guess December 24th anymore. So just stop it, okay? We've gotten a whole lot of 12/24 guesses, all from women (except for one from some guy named "Garth". Not saying anything, Garth, just pointing stuff out...). We get it, women want to get married in a romantic holiday swirl of fluffy snow flakes... guys want to get married when there are no playoff games on TV. We get it. Unfortunately, if we have to buy that many copy of Dianetics, we'll go broke while giving the Scientologists all our money. Screw that. So 12/24 is now blacked out. Sorry.

Second, no make-believe calendars can be used. So no "Klingon Imperial" calendars, no "Third Age of Middle Earth" calendars, no "Thetan" calendars. C'mon people, let's keep it clean...

November 8, 2005

Possible future employment for Mrs. Cruise. As added bonus, Tom gets to hang around gymnastic meets
Breaking news from ET! Katie/Kate/CSCV "actually loves ribbons"! Wow, ribbons!

From ET Online: "We don't have a date yet," Tom revealed, "[But we have] big, big plans. We talk about it. I really didn't know that there were so many wedding magazines. I said, 'Are you kidding me? There are things for the flowers, the cake, the dresses' ... The thing that I love about Kate is that she's an artist, so she actually loves ribbons and she makes cards and creates art. She loves flowers, and she'll do her own floral arrangements. So it's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be a celebration."

That does sound like it's going to be a lot of fun. And as long as you don't count her actual, y'know, acting, we're sure "Kate" is a great artist! We can only imagine what sublime beauty a "Kate" Holmes original floral arrangement must possess. But still no wedding date? So in an attempt to move the process along, we are introducing a new contest: Guess the Date! That's right, Guess the Date of their actual wedding, and you win a signed (by us) copy of Dianetics! Makes a great stocking stuffer! Send your guesses to
November 8, 2005

How does this kind of kick-ass acting not get you an Oscar? It's all politics.
Former fiancé of the Cruiser Spawn Carrying Vehicle (the CSCV), Chris Klein discusses his "feelings" on ET. Then challenges the Cruiser to a "death duel in the Rollerball arena"

From ET Online : "The 'American Pie' [Rollerball] star revealed how he and Katie's relationship was different from hers and Tom's. "I think it was something we appreciated, it was something we kept special for each other," he says [translation: not a stomach-turning publicity stunt. And NO Oprah involvement].
So where did things shift? [Rollerball] Chris explained, "As people grow up their tastes change and I know that growing up and becoming adults the direction her and I wanted to go in changed a little bit. When it was time to split it was time to split and when you know you know." [translation: her career needed a boost. And Chris Klein? Been a loooong time since American Pie...]

Deep stuff. However, our insider sources point to his decision to star in Rollerball as the real beginning of the end. Oh, and have we mentioned that he was in Rollerball? Yeah, Roller-freaking-ball...
November 7, 2005

The Cruiser hires new publicist, fires own sister. Has Katie's sister fired from her job too, "Just in case"

"I love you, sis. Oh, and here's a cardboard box for your personal items."
From Variety : "Tom Cruise has hired veteran publicist and Rogers and Cowan co-chairman Paul Bloch to handle his publicity activities, including those for Cruise-Wagner Prods. Move replaces Cruise's sister, Lee Anne DeVette, who had been serving as his publicist since March '04, when he parted ways with longtime rep, PMK/HBH's Pat Kingsley."

So, does this mean he didn't want to be positioned as a lunatic wackjob from another planet for the last year? Hmmm, well yes, probably a good move then...

Click here to see previous Cruiser updates.

More Tom Musings

Tom on Muhammad Ali
"I'm usually nervous to meet people that I admire because what if they're not cool or something?"

Tom on Katie:
"Our chemistry has clicked. We are so alike. I believe I have found the right one. And I want more children."

Tom on Death:
"The exterior is only one covering. I believe in rebirth. I do not have a fear of life or death."

Tom on Sex:
"Sex is great, if you are in a relationship. Otherwise, I find sex actually not so interesting. Without a relationship it is confusing."

Featured Letter o' the Week:
You just can't beat these, the best of the best, the cream of the crop, presented in their full, unedited glory for your... well, for whatever the hell you think about them...

Subject: Ours ask for all celebritas, please !
Honourable Mr. Tom Cruise !
Very dears and honourable friends !
I have already old and ill.
I have two beautiful granddaughter, however I have not cash.
For all that I can't book grandchildren no present.
Plead young and old noble-minded and nice leod, help us moneywise.
Christmas already come, which I dabo my grandchildrens, if you no help me ?
Very pretty I please young and old you, valued friends, celebrity, on the proviso that you've noble-minded heart !
Beautiful Mr. Tom Cruise , you're noble-minded, help me, certitude all celebrity, let assistance moneywise thank you from heart and I trust, that web master consign my petition young and old, especially noble-minded and beautiful Mr. Tom Cruise
yours truly
Jozef, Slovakia
** Editor's Note: Josef, your incoherent plea has touched our cold, cold hearts.... Yes, Josef, yes. Of course we will pass on your request to "beautiful Mr. Tom Cruise". Not only that, but we are more than willing to help "dabo" your granddaughters too! It's the least we can do.

- It was boredom that brought me to your site. I needed something to read but, having exhausted most of my favorite subjects (psychiatric medicine, religion and/or cults of the world, how stuff works, urban legends and e-mail hoaxes, the psychology of color) I just sat down and entered an annoying mantra that has plagued my thinking for months. I never want to think about it, but the phrase just keeps running through my mind like a bad song (My Achy Breaky Heart, for instance). Anyway, it was after a short period of staring at the blank search space on my front page that I suddenly typed in "tom cruise is nuts" and, wha-lah!. However startled and alarmed I was over the fact that the annoying phrase actually came out my fingers onto the keyboard, I hit ENTER and there you were - first site listed on the page! That said, I'd like to ask just two questions. (1.) Who the heck is Harry Bloogo, and (2.) Who is that woman (?) with TC in the picture Ben sent? It is down right spooky! Is it Katie now taking on more Tommyness than just his idiotic mindset? Is it TC's poor sister/manager, or is it actually a clever double exposure of TC and TC in drag? Seriously! I would REALLY like to know! And, by the way, thanks for the awful visual that I'm sure will henceforth accompany the annoying mantra I told you about! Thanks a lot!
** Editor's Note: Who is Bloogo?!? He is the Blofeld to our Bond, the Professor Moriarty to our Sherlock Holmes, the Wile E. Coyote to our Roadrunner. This is Bloogo... Oh and the picture is a shoddy Photoshop job by some guy named "Ben". Cool?

You want letters? You got 'em! We've received hundreds and hundreds of emails just today. And all we can say is "Wow"... Here's a taste of some of our newest entries... As always, all letters are unedited and presented in their glorious natural state.
Click here
for the full archive

Let me start by saying that i LOVE the site, it's the foremost source on the Staggering stupidity and degenerative behavior of this drooling moron Tom "dim a fuckbrain" Cruise. Let me also kick in the suggestion that Scientology is nothing more than a moneymaking scheme that feeds on the stupid and vulnerable, packaging complete nonsense in a pretty tupparware of LSD induced religion. How anyone with a working braincell can buy this heap of crap is amazing enough for a plethora of scientist to ponder during lifetimes but why? Why cant the US government just ban the idiots and get it over with, the only country with real experience of PSYCO CULTS - Germany has deemed scientology dangerous and bad and outlawed it since long. But I degrees, Tom Cruise is a complete and utter moron, Scientology should be burned down and well the site rocks. Keep up the good work!
** Editor's Note: "dim a fuckbrain" is now our all-time favorite insult.

- I thought I had just about had enough with the Mel Gibson Catholicizin', G. W. Bush Christianizin', Madonna Kabbalahsizin', Pat Robertson 700 Clubbin', Bill O'Reilly Bill O'Reillyin' religious and self-righteous vomitoriumizin'. Now Tom Cruise and his Scientologizin' make all of my past and future lives gag collectively. My biggest fear used to be that some one finds out what my biggest fear is - now it's that Tom Cruise will succeed in converting Oprah and she in turn converts Dr. Phil, who then turns his back on Psychology, goes back to all of his patients and audience and tells them to get off their meds, then the unmedicated chemically inbalanced and PPD people of the world freak out and hack their friends and family to death after an overdose of Flintstone's vitamins, Oprah will make billions for the CoS and the world as we know it will implode.
Oh yeah, they should name it Silent Bloogo Theta. (And hopefully they'll be prepared for the mutant creature they created with all the sonograms they subjected it to.) - Lizzie
** Editor's Note: Ah, another believer in our Evil Celebrity Work Domination Theory. The addition of Dr. Phil to the cabal is a terrifying thought. Oh, and the name guess? Best ever.

-Xenu worship. I can't help but notice Tom Cruise is a handsome movie star who does film after film with Steven Spielberg...& you're not. So where do I sign up for Xenu worship? - Perry Logan,
** Editor's Note: Thanks for the link to your site, it is truly breathtaking. We've been changed. We can now see that you are a very rational, and, dare we say, very handsome man. So where do we sign up for the Liberal Separatist party?

- If I were Mike Myer .doing his SNL Linda RICHMAN character, I would say: "Tom, unable to father children of his own, actually impregnated Katie with the frozen sperm of L. Ron Hubbard: Discuss!"

- LOVE the site, telling everyone I know about it. I think we're forgetting that we have something to be thankful of the Cruiser for though - we will probably never again have to endure the painful, uncomfortable experience that is watching Katie Holmes "act". (Please don't print my name - I don't want the Scientology Thought Police hunting me down. Cheers guys).

- so the Cruiser wants to be in a quiet environment when the spawn pops out, and he wants to be there when the spawn pops out? Make up your mind, Tommy boy. So he won't shut up unless the CSCV doesn't get something to help with the pain of childbirth, I guess. How about giving her a squeeze toy so she can better cope with the intractable pain, like Tom's twig and berries, perhaps. Shhhh. Remember Tom, we have to be quiet. Maybe some vitamins will help.
** Editor's Note: Ow.

-It just keeps getting better and better.....
The headline re' sonogram machine in our local paper (The Herald Sun - Melbourne, Australia reads... "Peeping Tom told: Leave baby alone" I love it!

- If L. Ron Hubbard could have a baby, epidurals would be a sacrament. And hollering when you are in pain - required. But you have to give him credit. Psychiatrists have been know to take issue with the existence of little green men and the notion of cults altogether. Best to just keep them out of the way. Where is Hale-Bopp when you need it.

** Editor's Note: HEY, THANKS. APPRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT... wow, that's tough on the vocal cords.

- I hear Tom Cruise is working on a sequel to War of the Worlds:
The Chronicles of TOM
The Alien, the Scientologist, and the Sonogram.

- Maybe Tom Cruise thinks he can find Body Thetans with the sonogram machine?

- YOU GUYS ROCK!!!!! Your website is HILARIOUS!!! All I have to say is that you guys must be hot, I just know it. People as funny as you are always good looking. (I must go, I cannot write, my boyfriend is getting jealous.... He can't know that I was visiting your web site again. Instead I will tell him that I was at or, wait, that might make him more jealous...) ;) Thanks for the fantasies....
** Editor's Note: Hey... did we just score?!?

- Tommy bought his own Ultrasound machine b/c it would look rather stupid to show up with "Kate" at the OB's office only to find that there is no baby! Can't tell you how I know.......but let's just say the medical community is small and loose lips do sink alien cruise ships. Tommy shoots blanks.........there is no baby..........and if there is, it ain't way no how. takes months of training to learn how to do an accurate sonogram and we're supposed to believe that the undereducated Tomster will just be an ultrasounding whiz once he picks up the wand and applies it to Kate's belly?? I think not!
** Editor's Note: Oooooh, unsubstantiated rumor and innuendo... we love that. Oh, and we heard that he bought a copy of "Ultrasounds for Dummies" so he should be okay.

-Gosh I can’t say how happy (or maybe disturbed) I am to find a site dedicated solely to the insanity of Tom Cruise. He bugs the hell out of me over and over again and the article I saw today about him buying a sonogram machine for his CSCV sent me over the edge. Admittedly this isn’t a first for me to be driven insane by Tom’s raving and ranting and random acts of ridiculous. Can I just say, as the mother of five kids, that sonograms are the damndest things to decipher and he and the CSCV will never be able to see the six tails and pea sized brain the kid is destined to have. Can you imagine he and his ilk running the world?
** Editor's Note: How do you know they're not already? [cue creepy X-files music]

- Unbelievable. Considering that the safety of sonograms -- particularly frequent i.e. unnecessary ones -- is still quite controversial, this freak is reaching frightening new levels of irresponsibility. Babies have been shown to pull away from the source of the sonographic waves, and I can just imagine him using his new toy on a ridiculously frequent basis to watch his SPAWN on the television monitor. Don't wanna think about how this kid (?) is gonna turn out..

- Love your site. Cruise is a wing nut of epic proportions. While it's against my nature to offer advice to the genetically demented (Cruise) or the demented by association (Holmes), it is out of concern for the future climbing-the-walls, couch-leaping, out-of-control--but Ritalin-free--unfortunate spawn of the two feverish Scientology-spewing warpies that I am prompted to write this letter. So, Tom. You won't put a truly, painfully, clinically diagnosed hyperactive child on medication to stop the sensory brain overload--I guess that's fine. What better way to dupe the poor tot into a life of service to the Church of Scientology than to ensure he/she can never function as part of society? If your unfortunate wife suffers from postpartum depression, you'll be right there with some vitamins and an L. Ron Hubbard workout tape. I'm sure that'll work. Just a thought, though: better hide the knives. Nothing would turn me murderous in a hot second like a clueless guy with blazing white teeth and bad hair waving a bottle of Flintstones chewables in my direction telling me to just take two Barney Rubbles and it'll all be better. Try it--I dare you--just try it!! Now that, my loopy screen star, would be the essence of glib! No. What is truly boggling is that a self-taught medical professional like Dr. Cruise has taken it upon himself to not only buy, but administer sonograms to his unborn specimen. While I'm sure he's read all the medical literature published about, well, everything. I would be remiss if I didn't point out that although he has played one onscreen, he's not really a doctor. Not even a technician. Not to point out the obvious, but he is not qualified to tie hs shoes, much less perform procedures on the unborn. He could do permanent damage to his child from repeated sonography. Sonograms are diagnostic tools to be performed by qualified professionals as needed, not because you're bored and impatient. Perhaps Mr. Cruise needs to start breaking his vitamins in half, because this is overzealous even for him. I'm going to start my own church, with a congregation of disenchanted children who were raised by pseudocelebrities with too much time on their hands and an inflated sense of their own brain power. Incidentally, my vote for the child's name is Hubbard--from the Latin Hu'Bar'd, meaning "spawned of the dangerously insane".

- it was told that katie and tom bought an ultrasound machine to watch the baby
grow....! this is definitely weird! I think the church of scientology is keen on this....they maybe call it SBCS, the "spawn breeding controlling system" :-) yukk!.... greez from switzerland! no, not sweden!!!
** Editor's Note: Do people often get Switzerland and Sweden mixed up? One has irritating clocks, the other has irritating IKEA furniture. Simple.

- well it obviously couldn't be Dec 24th.... that's the date he married that "stunningly beautiful, talented, and amazing" actress ... remember her? Nicole Kidman ("Nic"). He was so in love with her. She was the one who "understood" him & liked doing the things he likes.... skydiving. Oh wait, no-- he likes to scuba dive, that's it! and it's not Nic that understands anymore? Oh right...

- Feb. 14 2006, will probably be the date. It completes the cheesy Paris- Eiffel Tower- proposal theme. Question: Isn't Dianetics a multi-volume work?
** Editor's Note: Your question presumes that we've actually seen a copy of Dianetics... wait, do Books on Tape count?

- A man would never subject his penis to a meat grinder, so why would anyone want to join the Church of Scientology?
** Editor's Note: Is that a rhetorical question?

- don't mean to have this taken as support for The Beast, but I have to disagree with those of you who say silent birth is impossible. I have had three kids, without drugs, noise, or whatever. BUT-I am a freak of nature who cannot feel my labor, and every doctor who has ever seen me deliver a child thinks there MUST be something wrong with me. I agree. I've attended fifteen births, and even people on huge amounts of drugs make noise when they give birth. Unless there's something WRONG with a woman, she's gonna make noise, period.
Of course, TC would think that my condition, whatever it is, is a wonderful thing. Its not. My first child was delivered in a clinic hallway. My second was delivered in the shower. My third was delivered in the usual setting, but only because I refused to leave the hospital when I was told my labor wouldn't be induced, lol. Otherwise, he would have been born in a diner down the street, surrounded by drunk college students and bums. Painless, "silent" labor is not a good thing; if TC thinks a little noise is going to traumatize a baby, how d'ya think Jr. would like being popped out in the middle of lunch rush in a campus diner, opening his little eyes for the first time to see some dumbass wearing blue face paint and holding a pint? See? I'm a freak of nature, and even I think Tom Cruise is nuts
** Editor's Note: Frankly, we don't think we wanted to know any of this...

- Tommmy is just a fan of "REVERSE-psychology!" By acting so-called "crazy-like," he's making all of us pill poppers feel normal, and thus we stop taking the pills and he gets what he wants in the end! GAHHHHHH!!!! I want to keep his first born as a pet! I bet it's going to have the cutest curliest little tail!

- Your site is amazing, I just stumbled upon it today and couldn't stop laughing about how right you are. Tom seriously needs to chill out and rethink how he's acting because it's making him look childish. I also saw how many people you got who (however grammatically incorrect they were, angry children no doubt) disagreed with the points made on your site. Although I have to admit I agree with SOME of his views on medication, I think medication should only be given where absolutely nessecary, and not to anyone who shows abnormal behavior. I was a victim of overmedication (I was on several different medications, each with more negative side effects than positive effects) which damaged my liver. Well anyway, great work guys. It's rare today to see a well-designed website with a decent point behind it. Two thumbs up

- I love this site and am in full agreement about Tom being nuts. I don't think you can trust someone that smiles THAT much. Actually being a close friend of Garth (he was kind enough to show us his honorable mention) and always thinking he is a bit crazed... I can guarantee that he is quite harmless compared to Tom. I just don't think it would work between the two of them since Garth does medicate himself often and Tom would not approve.
** Editor's Note: Good to see Garth's friends standing up for him like that... You go, Garth girl!

- forget the marriage....when is the 'spawn' due? 06/06/06

- No, it will be neither Satan Spawn nor Alien. It will be the long awaited rebirth of the great L.R.H. himself! Yes, hallelujah, we can expect him to take form once again as the leader of the fabulous Scientologist Church, and once again lead it to greater and greater heights, and money, money, money, money, money!

- My wedding date guess... How about March 15th? Beware the Ides of March...

- I predict she'll have the baby while she's romping down the aisle with tom and trips over her and his larger than life smiles, probably sometime around Valentine's Day 2006. Geez I can't believe his statement that he can't believe how many magazines there are for weddings, like he's done it twice before, where was he for those two weddings?

- if poor poor Katie isn't re-programmed sometime in the immediate future, I predict the Cruiser and Katie's wedding date will be the day before the US release of Mission Impossible 3 (sorry I don't know what the actual date is).
** Editor's Note: That would be an unbelievably depressing piece of corporate PR synergy. So of course we assume you're exactly right. Bravo.

- I live in "Scientology-land" a.k.a. Clearwater, FL. That's right! The exact city that will float off into the sky when the end of the world comes along! Seeing the "hordes" of zombie-like/comatose Scientology freaks/slaves all the time has convinced me that I do NOT want to be with these freaks for eternity. I'll be jumping over the side of that little piece of turf as it floats off into the heavens. Anyway, I pick the 79th of August in the year 21345 on the thetan calendar. Since none of you know the thetan calendar because I just made it up? I want to assure you that I won and I expect my prizes SOON.
** Editor's Note: Nice try, but no make-believe calendars allowed..

- Okay. You guys are brilliant. First time I've seen this site is today. You guys have names and contact info? I won't rest until everyone refers to K. Holmes as CSCV. Not sure why the Christians aren't angry about the whole premarital sex. Maybe they are finally getting lazy.
** Editor's Note: Sorry, we must protect our secret identities. But you can call me... Batman! .... What? What do you mean "taken"? Who the hell would name themselves after a freaking bat?!? This is bullshit...

- Oh yeah, I meant to ask....... what religion would one of middle-class or lesser socioeconomic strata seek to aspire for leadership and member-cultivation in ? Obviously i can't be a theta 4shizzle at 90K/year, so what should i be looking into Tom ? BTW, love the site. Love the original: iraqiinformationminister even
more though. Fucking good shit. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go design large swaths of network infrastructure upon which large portions of internet traffic shall travel via eBGP tier1 transit routes. Oh yeah, and I've been doing it
since 1997 AFTER EATING 1-2 20mg. ADDERALL PILLS. OHH yEAHHHHH baby. Tom's traffic traverses my amphetamine-inspired optics.
** Editor's Note: Quick, everybody say, "Tom's traffic traverses my amphetamine-inspired optics" five times fast.... Yeah, didn't think so...

- what a hoot. more fun than a barrel of couch jumping monkeys!

- Bloogo wants me to be your proofreader.
** Editor's Note: Someday, Bloogo. Someday there will be a reckoning...

- Love this site... Just wanted to ask you and your reading masses: what would the fearful result be if Katie began to suffer from post-partum depression? Whoops, maybe I'd better check to see if Mr. Bloogo already asked this...
Thanks for the site, anyway...
** Editor's Note: Once again, mention Bloogo, get posted. Love ya, Bloogo...

- I recently became aware of your web site and the anger disturbs me. People are entitled to their opinions, however different they may seem to us. I, for one, don't hesitate to listen when the Christmas Babies tell me that the devil is in my neighbors hanging flowers and that the evil can only be extinguished by blowing bubbles and forced copulation between dogs and cats(which isn't as easy as it sounds and is a true test of perseverance and faith*). If the Christmas Babies tell Mr. Cruise to hide in his closet and only leave it wearing a beard shaped like a young woman with rat teeth then who are we-any of us-to judge? Tolerance, people, tolerance. *and alcohol

- Love Love Love your website! As a licensed psychologist, who has never treated Mr. Cruise, he appears to be suffering from a mood disorder as a result of a chemical imbalance! Ah, the irony!!
** Editor's Note: You don't know irony! We do!

- Katie gets the worst case of PPD ever. I wonder how she'll do with a bottle of Flintstones and a treadmill.

- Is it OK to still like his dancing in underwear scene even if he's mentally ill?
** Editor's Note: Uh, no.

- Update the freaking site! Is there something to this scientology stuff? I need to know!!! How can Mr. Tom Kidman-Rogers suddenly impregnate people. Did he finally reach the level where his Narconon spirits have finally "delivered"? I just got a coupon in my Super-Savings coupon book that said my first consultation to the Church of Scientology would be FREE! Can you imagine that? I am kinda skepical to have to pay for the religious blatherings of nearly anyone, but maybe Scientology is good - plus my first "consultation" is free! I mean appearantly they cured the Cruiser! I just hope Kate doesn't get post-partum or that baby is gonna die. Sad. Anyways, just get off your ass and update the site. Lots of love - I enjoy all your sites.
** Editor's Note: There. We updated it. Happy?!?

- I just realized what a horrible, dysfunctional person I am. I am enjoying the fact that Tom Cruise has gone gonzo. I should pray for him and wish the best for him, but it's all just to damn entertaining. The further down the toilet he goes, the more I like it. Perhaps scientology can help me be a better person. I've always had a strange attraction to aliens anyhow.

- i used to think TC was a great actor until his mouth got in the way. do i care that he jumping on couches for someone who doesnt have the brain to make her own decisions anymore? no. the jokes & replay's were hilarious. but it pissed me off that someone who has never even had a menstraul cramp or been to college can preach about PPD. when he squeezes a 10lb baby out of his ass without a sound or medication ---i might then be slightly interested in his opinion. ~~~love the site!

- I just wanted to say that i love the website and tom cruise can shove my clinical depression, my therapy, and my zoloft up his ass. keep up the fabulous work!
** Editor's Note: Unfortunately, he might like that a bit too much...

- i just wanted to tell you guys good job on the site... but I think you have it wrong. Tom Cruise isn't crazy he is brainwashed... I saw this once on an episode of the Simpsons a cult brainwashes Springfield and they have to kidnap Homer to deprogram him... so lets grab some baseball bats a load of duck tape and some sweet life giving beer to save our boy Tom from the science guys. Oh and to people who don't find this site funny... well there isn't anything you can do about it so i guess you'll have to deveolpe a sense of humor... And the people complaining about "there are other things going on in the world right now..." I guess we are suppose to sit around mope and devote all of our time and effort and have zero fun... God Bless America...
** Editor's Note: "Land that I loooooove".... Wait, we thought you were trying to start a sing-a-long... how embarrasing.

- I was just wondering if Katie had a nightmare about a large, horned individual forcing himself on her just before she got pregnant. Is Ruth Gordon going to be her nanny?
** Editor's Note: That's another vote for Satan Spawn. The score so far: Alien Spawn - 17, Satan Spawn - 13 (Satan Spawn missed the extra point apparently)

- LOVE this site! I used to dream about marrying Tom Cruise someday. Forgive me, I was a preteen and he was a Top Gun. Thank God (or L. Ron) that Katie beat me to it! I just have one little suggestion for her. If she agrees to a silent birth, so should he. His testicles should be tightly gripped in her fist during the entire labor and delivery process......if he screams, so can she. (If he doesn't, she should work out more). As the mother of a normal, healthy six year old, I can assure you he either wasn't traumatized by the noise level at his birth or he's secretly plotting revenge for it. Either way, it wasn't quiet. I hope Tom gets a kidney stone the size of a large marble, no drugs allowed. Vitamins and exercise are all he needs. No drugs, no noise. What a whacko.
** Editor's Note: Maybe alien space spawn are easier to give birth to? Just a thought...

- Just had to say..."Love This Site!" Even though I like Tom Cruise "the actor" and own some of his movies, I have to say...ENOUGH! The same stupid celebrities week after week on the newsstands, their daily life made to look like a media circus event. Britney and Kevin, Jessica and Nick, Tom and Katie...what's next...Tom and Katie's Celebrity Series on VH1?
They can call it "Jumping The Couch!"
It's probably in "the works" already. MAGNIFICENT!

- think it will be an alien. the plasmatic seed of Xenu invaded the Cruiser's seed during their "out of wedlock" tryst. the child will appear human, but its DNA will have strainds of alien material. just a guess.

- Okay, I'm addicted to However, I keep visiting to hear about the more recent craziness. It seems he's worked it out that Katie Holmes is purging her entire life of family, publicists, managers, etc in favor of Tom's new pick - his own sister. I keep expecting him to convince Katie to move to a compound in Waco and dissavow any relations she's had with anyone prior to Tom or Scientologiest. Please, don't leave us hanging on more TCIN stuff... you just can't make this wackiness up it's so good!
** Editor's Note: Always leave them wanting more... for a couple months... that's how we roll.

- Please update your site. There are few new tidbits of loco Tom floating around including the one about TomKat being pregnant. Your site is hilarous and I can't wait to read something new and hilarious!
** Editor's Note: New AND hilarious?!? You ask too much. How about we just tell the Aristrocrats joke?

- I'm disappointed that the Cruise is laying it low at the moment. How else am I going to work on new scenes? I've been in touch with the Miramax, as you say, and if I can churn out more scenes, they're going to give me a chance. Originally they suggested that I play Katie, but, really, I'd like to give you the opportunity. Let me know. Any idea where the Cruiser is? I don't understand the sudden stagnation in PDA...sick as we were of fist-pumping and couch jumping and floor thumping, the world has been eerily quiet. He's either training someone new [maybe he's planning another wife..? Is polygamy allowed in Scientology?] or rewiring Katie. Give me the inside scoop so I can figure out the next scene. - Beatrice
** Editor's Note: His agency has apparently put him on strict lockdown. However, we remain confident he will escape their fiendish PR grasp and let his true nutiness once again shine like a blinding beacon of insanity for all to rejoice in... or at least jump on a couch or something.

- "Having the summer free (from school), I've had time to contemplate the TomKat situation. Upon such pondering, I stumbled upon an astonishing realization: thus far, TomKat looks promising for a blockbuster movie! Here is how I envision the plot:
Man has crazy and silly beliefs and one day, a cute, innocent girl disappears for a couple of weeks, emerging as lover, devotee, and adoring robot to the crazy and silly man. Somewhere down the road, someone [if it's a romantic, it will be another man] will find out what has been done to her and will intecept and elude security. Then he will attempt to undo all the brainwashing done to her. The two finally escape the clutches of an angry lover and his ridiculous religion. Finally, the two rid the world of the crazy man and his fatuous religion and live happily ever after.
An example of a scene would be the following: the silly lover taking his brainwashed lady to eat dinner with his ex-girlfriend's parents. It would be a funny, yet awkward, scene that demonstrates how brainwashed she is. "Oh, he's really wonderful, just magnificent! He's the most kindest, gentlest, most intelligent man I've ever met...when we get married, we will always be in the honeymoon stage...i...i...uh...i -"
"You adore him," prompts her newly acquired best friend.
"I adore him." brainwashed sits with a perfect smile.
"...isn't she wonderful? I will forever with this woman be jumping on couches, dancing on tables and hanging from chandeliers. I was looking at her and thinking, 'man, you are so cool.' We go scuba diving together. She likes all this stuff that I love to do. She's funny and smart. This woman is magnificent!"
Smiling politely but fearfully, the parents nod and shift their eyes. The mother reaches in her purse for her medication...
"You're crossing the line. You need diet and exercise, not medication. There's ways of vitamins and through exercise and various things."
"Oh, they're for my -"
"Listen, you don't know the history of psychiatry, I do."
"But I -"
"People go for help, but their lives don't get better because of those psychiatric drugs. They get worse. They feel numb and they're told that's a good thing. It's how you degrade a society -- by drugging the piss out of it."
Tight, polite, and even more fearful smile. "Okay."
"Well, look at yourself. look - are you happy? Are you really happy?" Looks around at everyone and gestures at the mother, "Here is a woman - and I care about her because I think she is incredibly talented - you look at her , and where has her career gone?"
"She stays at home and tends to the bills!" defends the father.
"The thing that I'm saying about her is that there's misinformation, okay. And she doesn't understand the history of psychiatry. She-- she doesn't understand in the same way that you don't understand it."
- scene ends, with crazy staring intently and heatedly at father. Mother has shifty eyes. Lover is still smiling.
Suggestions to play roles are: Owen Wilson for crazed lover and religious fanatic; John Cusack for hero; and Larisa Oleynik, Nicole Kidman, Julia Stiles, pr Mandy Moore for brainwashed lover.
I don't care if you steal this idea so long as I get a cut... - Beatrice
** Editor's Note: YOUR idea? Hey who's got the website here? That's right, "Beatrice" - we're already in development discussions with the Miramax. We will send you free tickets to a matinee though...

- This website shows the ignorance and stupidity of people who think they know best, SHAME ON ALL OF YOU!!! It is obvious that tom suffers from APBET disorder "Anal probed by ET". However there is a cure... Lots of vitamins and exercise. So before all of you judge Tom, know the reason for his stupidity!!
** Editor's Note: We really don't want to know how you know that...

- I am from the hometown of Katie Holmes and all this bs about Tom is getting so old we even have radio stations trying to get people to get katie back in town with tom so they can ask them questions and you could win money if you get them here. My question is if Katie and Tom are really as serious as they say how come her parents or friends from Toledo havent even tried to get them to come on the radio in her hometown to speak out. And also her father has spokenn and said they sure are serious but we havent meet him yet. YET he says. I mean wouldnt you want your dad to meet yuor furture husband. It has been all over the radio about there love and Katie is not that well of and actress as far as I am concerned. Thank God Nichole left his crazy arse when she did. I know Katie says he is my love he is my crush when i was young well i am a littler older than katie and i once was in love with Christian Slater but that dont mean i would date him NOW. TOM HAS LOST HIS MIND..........KATIE IS A CHILD COMPARED TO HIM

- Thank you so much for this site... you're quite good at ignoring people who put you down for making it but I still felt inclined to add to the crowd of people who vastly enjoy it. I'm not suffering from any form of depression, though I have a pair of friends who are, and take medication for it. Pointing them to your site gave them a huge laugh. Thanks for saying what we've all been thinking for AGES.

- You now, I think that you guys are being a little hard on the Cruiser. After all, I'm in my mid-40's, and if I hit it with a 22-year old girl, I'd jump on Oprah's couch and yak about it too!
** Editor's Note: Your wife must really like that thought, "Evert" - if that is your real name...

- I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. Perhaps being a post-partum Mom is part of the explanation, but I believe not having found your site
before today has a lot to do with it. Thank you for a truly wonderful site - keep the slamming going!

- all i wanna know is this: within the organization, what's the lowest level possible to get me one of those fresh "arm-beards?" the kelly preston model is ah-ight but i'd prefer the more attractive, sleeker, younger, and tom-boyishly refreshing (no pun intended) katie holmes type. please advise!

- Dammit, Maverick! Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash!

- You guys are now number 8 when looking up "Tom Cruise" on Google! Good Show!

-, I'm your #1 fan. I am the Annie Wilkes to your Paul Sheldon, and yes I would chop off your legs if you ever shut down this website. This is funny, funny stuff. Do you suppose Dr. Tom could prescribe me a dose of vitamins and exercise to curb my homocidial tendencies? I know it sounds crazy, but it just might work! As for the dipshit commentator who so thoughtfully suggested that those of us reading your "stupid" website need to "get a life", may I respond by saying that, as a person of moderate intelligence who works with special needs children and organizes fundraisers for cancer research, I still enjoy being entertained by arrogant celebrities who think their unintelligible rants and ill-informed opinions are droplets of pure golden wisdom, simply because they surround themselves by sycophants (I know, big word, look it up) who serve only to stroke their enormously over-inflated egos. And may I also point out that you yourself took the time to not only read this website, but provide a response...hmmm? Taking a break from the fight against AIDS, no doubt... you GO GIRL. Anyway, thanks for the hearty laughs all around. Keep up the good work!
** Editor's Note: Hey, thanks for the support! And please note that the restraining order prohibits you from coming within 100 feet of us at all times.

- just watching A Few Good Men and there's a scene where TC is on a rant and says 'do you really think we should take the advice of GALACTICALLY STUPID PEOPLE!' How prophetic

- Hello, and I thoroughly enjoyed your site! I just HAD to tell you about my own recent brush with the Cof S...When the whole "TomKat" thing was heating up, I decided to go to the official Scientology web site to read the words straight from the horse's patoot myself.  I took the Personality Test, making sure to give NO phone number and a fake name - Dr. Vinny Boombatz (All hail Rodney Dangerfield!).  Anyways, two days later, I come home to find "Church of Scientology" on my caller ID and a voice mail from "A representative of the Church of Scientology" for "Dr. Boombatz"!! HOW in the HELL did these nut chews get my phone number??  Not to mention the fact that apparently NO ONE who works at my local C of S has a sense of humor or ever listened to Mr. Dangerfield! You would think that even if you didn't know of the aforementioned comedian, it SHOULD seem fishy to be trying to contact a Dr, Vinny BOOMBATZ??  Oh well, I guess I'll never know as I did NOT call said Stuckey's Nut Log back to continue the madness.  Just thought you might appreciate the anecdote.  I'll leave you with my one, true, burning question about this whole Cruise mess: Why hasn't this whole thing been stopped by one journalist with guts and integrity and five little words, "WHERE'S YOUR PROOF, MR. CRUISE?"

- ..and I am so glad I am not the only person who treats this over-rated, under-talented cretin with the contempt he deserves! He's an arrogant little w@nker who deserves to spend the rest of his life in a straitjacket! Oh and Geoff F - thanks for Tommy Troll - made me laugh out loud! (And I'm at work just now!)

- My Gods at I would like to express my undying love and passion to the creators of this site for their wonderful sense of humor, and most of all, for showing Tom Cruise in his true light. I first began my hate affair with Cruise when I saw the movie "Days of Thunder". I kept thinking that if I had to see that sh*t eating grin one more time, I was going to lose my mind to the body thetans and be glad of it. But the shit eating grin continued to grace every TV screen, movie screen, and magazine cover in America. I started to wonder what he was thinking when he made that 'Look how hot and charming I am!' face. At first I thought that maybe he really was just full of himself. But after much reading, I've come to a far better conclusion. The sh*t eating grin is really a nervous tick. See, the grin comes usually a few minutes before he kisses his leading lady. So, in order to compensate for his oogie feeling that embraces him every time he's about to kiss a - beautiful woman- (poor guy!), he makes the biggest smile he can and scrunches his eyes up really tightly so that he doesn't have to see what's coming. And then comes the dumb, stricken expression when he's going in for the lip-lock. See, that's Scientology working at it's finest! He's totally not there when he's doing it. He's in some far away space saga, battling evil galactic overlords, and all that kissy stuff is just really the method that he and his alien bretheren -have- to do on their planet to suck the souls from the evil ones who are threatening to overtake the planet in sheer numbers.
** Editor's Note: We find your ideas interesting and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

- Dear trash, Tom Cruise may be nuts or he is just a celebrity milking the system. What difference does it make?He is rich, famous and making money off of you and me. The whole businessis foolish and aren't we all and especially your web-site. But, my question is why are the French so bad? They eat better food always. They respect each other space always. They generally do not drive SUVs that guzzle gas and hog the roads and parking spaces nor cars that honk when the doors lock. French men generally do not have pot bellies especially if they are under 50. They speak in normal tones of voice and polite volumns. They do not spend endless hours in front of the TV watching "football" or golf yelling utter nonsense. So they make a few dumb remarks. Read your web-site and disclaim that one.
** Editor's Note: Your letter's complete lack of logic, truth, and reason has touched us. We've been changed... changed forver. Vive la France!

- I agree and I'm so happy I found this site. I have been telling my friends for months that Tom is nuts but at least he's happy. He is the happiest person in the world - the whole world. Just look at him. Don't his cheeks hurt?

- ..........."SHOW ME THE LOONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" .............oh , you did , and quite well I might add !...Im female and just want to bitch slap some sense into him. .....................and ps .............LOVE this site !

- Can't deny Tom Cruise is nuts. But his nuts-ness (or should I write His Nuts-ness?) is what comes out of the tragic experience of being sucked into a cult. All it takes a little emotional vulnerability, and being in the wrong place at the wrong time. It can start by someone's taking a Scientology Personality Test, or attending a Scientology seminar (or something they didn't realize was a Scientology seminar! -- Scientology is notorious for having deceptive front groups) and little by little the cult gets into the person's life and into their brain. In a very real sense, Tom Cruise is not a free man. I strongly suspect the head thugs at Scientology have made it very clear that there would be *severe* consequences to Tom if he should ever even think of leaving. They have no doubt controlled, basically, what he thinks and what he believes. L. Ron Hubbard and his henchpeople had/have a vested interest in "exposing" psychiatry and psychiatric medication because Scientology is extraordinarily unhealthy psychologically and otherwise. Dare I say nuts. They fear psychiatry like the Wicked Witch of the West fears water. Of course, Scientologists could never bear to think of themselves as nuts. They are the stewards of the universe or whatever. I understand why they hate psychiatry: Mental health, were they to have it, would fundamentally threaten the survival of their organization. The dangers or glories of psychiatric medication are, to me, empirical, scientific matters. Tom Cruise and Scientology oppose psychiatric medication as a cultic tenet; it has nothing to do with reality, with whether those drugs are good, bad, or neutral. Tom is just regurgitating ideology that's been programmed into him. I hope that Tom Cruise's tailspin produces one important outcome, in addition to clearing space for better actors: Tons and tons of publicity on Scientology. The light of day on Scientology is not too pretty. Real attention to Scientology by normal, non-brainwashed people is apt to inform more and more people to stay the hell away.

- I dare anyone to watch all his movies...He's WET in evryone!!!
I swear...I think it's in his contract!! Check it.
** Editor's Note: Uh, watch ALL his movies? No thanks, we'll just take your word for that one.

- Best. Site. Ever. Thanks for doing such a great job sending up a complete moron!

- Dear Guys, You really seem like very talented people. It is sad that Tom Cruise has become your fixation because he is opposing something he feels strongly about... [editor's edit - we only have so much bandwidth for long-winded rants] ... Mel Gibson took the same hits for his movie the Passion of Christ. He got death threats for his production of this movie. Jewish people hated him for his betrayal of history. It saddens me to see the letters of others wishing he has is new found love fall apart because they do not like his opinons. It is a sad statement display of hatred directed at another human being ... [editor's edit - yeah, she's still going] ... Many people believe in Karma and many believe you should treat other people as you would want to be treated. I do not think you would want to be treated in this fashion. I am a Mother of a son and if he created such a site I would ask him what is your objective in trying to destoy this guy? What will that do for you and this other human being. He is a person with a family and children who love him. Hopefully you are as well. It seems if you had a gun you would like to just shot him as he makes you that upset by his views. Wow that seems to be the situation we have had on this planet for long while. People communicatings ... [editor's edit - because she just won't stop talking!] ... That is my letter. Will you post this or do you only Post letters of hatred and critical statements of Tom Cruise?
** Editor's Note: Well, we'll post parts of those letters...

- I wish you'd include my favorite quote of Tom's. It'd probably be better as a video clip though. I think it was on some British show. I saw it on some recap show (The Daily Show maybe?) making fun of good ol' Tom. The interviewer asked Tom if Nicole Kidman was the love of his life and Tom started scolding the interviewer and telling him "know your place." I think he even uttered the phrase "not cool." Ah, a classic. Thanks for the great site!!!

- I could only get a third of the way through the letters before deciding I'd wasted enough of a summer day, but it's better than reality TV, lol. I'll come back to read the rest, but I have an urgent question that I need answered after buying a book at Border's yesterday: what connection does Kevin Trudeau have, if any, to Tom Cruise and/or Scientology? Should I maybe be asking elsewhere? lol...I got sidetracked since I clicked your link while trying to discover the answer. I've gotten about 1/3 of the way through _Natural Cures "They" Don't Want You to Know About_ (yes, underscores at the beginning and end of a normally underlined title are how you are supposed to punctuate when the internet does not provide underlining or italics for submitted text), and Trudeau mentions *looks to the left, looks to the right, whispers*... dianetics and scientology. Any "enlightenment" about possible CoS back-doors I might have to worry about? Tracking of my purchase like _Catcher in the Rye_ and some late-night tape player of brainwashing "audits" outside my bedroom window?And just in case you have a contest for renaming Hubbard's "scriptural" treatises, I think I have a lock: _Thetanic Verses_.

- Excellent website! Ever since that fateful Oprah interview, my opinion of Tom Cruise has plummeted... who goes on tv and criticizes another human being and then expects to be right about it and not accept anyone else's view? Has Tom never heard the childhood song " My body's nobody's body but mine"? He should focus more on his own actions and comments then to concern himself with Ms. Shields'...also one of his quotes says that Katie is the best thing in his life... whatever happened to his children? I would think they would be number one? Anyways just writing to tell you that you have a fabulous website, keep up the good(and funny!) work!

- "The Outsiders" was made when I was a teenager and was addicted to all the teen mags. I remember reading one interview with Rob Lowe regarding his opinions of each of his fellow "Outsiders." I never have liked Tom Cruise, simply because I thought he was unattractive and had a smart-alec smirk that I'd love to slap off his face. But I thought Rob's comment was strange, and chalked it up to his being a dumb pretty-boy. Little did I know. . . . Per Rob Lowe, Tom Cruise is a pretty good kid, but has something in his eyes that says he's not all there, that one day, he's just going to snap. (I'm quoting from memory. My mother threw out all my old teen mags that I left at her house when I got married. Ha!) Who'd a thunk it? Rob actually has insight into the human psyche!
** Editor's Note: Yeah, our mom threw out our teen mags too... wait, maybe we're talking about different kinds of mags here...

- not only is tom cruise nuts, but he doesn't have any talent either. and he's not even goodlooking. how did tom cruise ever happen? must be a plot by l. ron. hubbard.
** Editor's Note: We'd go along with your theory, only L. Ron is, y'know, dead.

- I absolutely love this website! Way to go. I'll be the first person to admit taking anti-depressants. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be here today. I was so far gone into depression, it took over my life. What an ass Tom Cruise is. He ought to go back to his original reincarnated state of being a caveman. Or fly out back to his alien land of friends. What a disgusting display of affection. My stomach turns when I see a photo of him and Katie. It's really sad to see how stardom has ruined him. Next we will be seeing him with a Michael Jackson nose, fondling small children and getting away with him by all his money and attorneys.

- I consider myself to be a mature, intelligent and independent woman and was fully prepared to offer a comprehensive, articulate, albeit non-accredited dissertation of the anatomy and physiology of the chemically imbalanced brain and the way in which various classes of antidepressants affect brain chemistry. However, reading these hilarious postings just made me more ticked off at this jackass and I decided, instead, to vent. Tom Cruise is a demented midget with a unibrow. Whew...... I feel better.

- are you kiddening me! ritalin, antidepressants, and nueroleptics are dangerous in kids...tom cruise has it right. the site is bullshit.
** Editor's Note: Yeah, you got us, we were just kiddening. Can't you take a little kiddening? We're just big kiddeners...

- Your site made my entire month. TC is a couple of sandwiches short of a couple of sandwhiches. I'm off my rocker, too, but...shit, he made ME curl up into a corner and cry. Thanks for the great laughs!

- The stuff I've read here makes me feel normal. That's a nice feeling! Go, Tom. Keep the craziness happening. Katie, honey, you need to return to Dawsons creek. You were safe there.
** Editor's Note: "I don't want to wait, for our lives to be over..." Sometimes, when we hear that song, a small part of our soul dies. Just saying.

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Our use of the term "nuts" is meant, as defined in Webster's, as a reference to an "eccentric" person. That's all. We do not mean to in any way denigrate or belittle anyone with mental illness. In fact, we take mental illness very seriously, which is why Mr. Cruise's ill-informed rant inspired us to create this website. We don't have anything personally against Mr. Cruise, either. We think he's a first-class actor and a humanitarian. We used to worry that he was a misguided zealot, but that's all. Now we think he's a dangerous, misguided zealot. is a member of the online family of Amalgamated Worldwide Enterprises (AWE). Please visit the AWE websites dedicated to former Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saheed al-Sahaaf, and Jesus of Nazareth.

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