October 28, 2005
Hurricane Wilma damages Cancun hotel, alters the Cruiser's wedding plans.
An angry God apparently in a "smiting mood"
"I smite thee, Cruiser!"
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From Miami
Herald : "Movie
star Tom Cruise's plans to wed girlfriend Katie Holmes at a luxury hotel in Cancun
have been frustrated by the devastating passage of Hurricane Wilma over the resort.
Officials of the Ritz Carlton, where Cruise and Holmes were planning to celebrate
their marriage sometime next month, said the hotel and the rest of the city's
infrastructure were so damaged by the killer storm that the couple will have
to find another spot for their reception."
October 26, 2005
The Cruiser reportedly converting the Beckhams to Scientology. Thank
you God.
Posh Spice shown here after spraining her neck while trying to read. Pictured
with some guy.
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From Contact
Music: "Former SPICE GIRL VICTORIA BECKHAM has fuelled reports
she and husband DAVID BECKHAM are converting to Scientology, after she was
spotted reading a book from the controversial religion. The Beckhams struck
up an unusual friendship with superstar Scientologist TOM CRUISE last year
(04), leading to newspaper reports at the time the MINORITY REPORT heart-throb
was grooming them as converts. During her trip to Los Angeles last week, Victoria
was photographed leafing through ASSISTS FOR ILLNESSES AND INJURIES, based
on the works of Scientology founder L RON HUBBARD. Victoria also watched a
fashion show with Cruise's pregnant fiancee KATIE HOLMES during her trip. The
BATMAN BEGINS actress, who converted to Scientology after she began dating
Cruise earlier this year (APR05), recommended the book after hearing of the
Beckhams' second son ROMEO's recent health problems."
While not necessarily agreeing with their liberal use of capital letters, this
story is great. We're not sure which piece of news is more unbelievable: Katie
Holmes (the CSCV) giving medical advice or Posh Spice reading a book.
October 21, 2005
Scientology handlers add "thrilled" to officially sanctioned
talking points, "Things
Katie Can Say". The Cruiser Spawn
Carrying Vehicle (the CSCV) to Access Hollywood today: "I'm thrilled"
"I'm thrilled, excited, beaming, amazing, dream come true, so happy, thrilled,
and excited. Excited. Did I say that one already?"
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The CSCV to Maria Menounos on Access Hollywood Full
story:
Katie Holmes: We’re so excited.
Maria
Menounos: Tell me like what it’s
like: You’re pregnant [and] you are marrying the man you’ve
always dreamed of.
Holmes: I know.
Menounos: It’s such a story book.
Holmes: It’s amazing. I’m so
happy, it’s a dream come true.
I feel great. I’m beaming and … I’m so excited. […]
Menounos: Have you guys started putting wedding plans together yet?
Holmes: We are. We don’t have a date just yet, but there is so much excitement going on. It’s just amazing.
Menounos: It’s your first wedding. I can imagine it’s going
to be the biggest wedding ever.
Holmes: It’s exciting. We don’t know yet but we are thrilled.
Menounos: What’s Tom saying?
Holmes: He’s thrilled
If you're keeping score with your own home version of "Things Katie Can Say",
that's Excited - 4, Thrilled - 2, Amazing - 2, and Beaming, So
Happy, Feel Great, and Dream Come
True all tied at 1. Better luck next time, Beaming...
So which will it be? Alien conqueror or Satan spawn? Email
us and let
us know what you think! Results will be tabulated... never. We're
hiding in a freaking fallout shelter, remember?
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October 5, 2005
Katie Holmes "Pregnant"! Tom Apparently "Father"!
Baby May or May Not Be "Human"!
Isn't this is how those space alien invasion movies always start? Young woman
has sudden and complete change of personality, separates herself from family,
surrounds herself with strange cult members, and becomes mysteriously pregnant?
(not that were implying anything, Cruiser. You're all man, we're sure) Or
this could also be one of those "spawn of Satan" movies... well,
either way, we're pretty sure we're all screwed. If you need us, we'll be
in the fallout shelter, rethinking some of our earlier religious
musings
...
October 20, 2005
The Cruiser to buy $1.5 million house in Toledo for the Cruiser Spawn
Carrying Vehicle (the CSCV). Plans to never visit again.
"You're going to be very happy here... Kate? Right? It's Kate or Katie,
right? I've got to start writing that on my hand or something"
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From spotlightingnews "Hollywood
hunk Tom Cruise plans to buy a $1.5 million (€1,2m) house in his fiancée
Katie Holmes' hometown of Toledo, Ohio. The house is a nine-bedroom mansion owned
by Dale Brulh. "The neighbours saw limousines in front of the house when (real
estate agents) were showing it. I'm sure it's them. Her mother lives in the area," Dale
revealed."
First, we doubt there really are any $1.5 million houses in Toledo. Talk about
price gouging. And wouldn't this be a convenient place to stash some things you
don't really want to have around unless you need them for photo-ops? Like, say,
a wife and "child"? Just a "for instance"...
October 18, 2005
The Cruiser to design wedding dress. Unclear whether he will wear it
too.
"Remember, the contract says I get to keep the dress too. And I want to
eat your ear."
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From spotlightingnews "Actor
Tom Cruise, who is rumored to marry next month with his lover, actress Katie
Holmes, wants a free wedding dress designed by Giorgio Armani. A friend told
Britain's The Sun newspaper, "Tom asked Giorgio to design the dress especially
and he has had Katie in for several fittings. It's unusual for the groom to have
a say in the dress but he has had a lot of input. It seems Tom has a very clear
idea of what he wants for the ceremony".
Yes, we're sure he has a very clear idea of what he wants. We're guessing a lovely
new dress, romantic music, a full moon over a tropical beach, and a taut, young,
buttery-smooth Mexican pool boy named Juan with a box of lubricated Tic Tacs.
Viva la Mexico!
October 17, 2005
The Cruiser and Cruiser Spawn Carrying Vehicle (the CSCV) to wed in Cancun
in November. We eagerly await our invitation.
"Welcome to Mexico, Senor Cruise. Please drink the water. Lots and lots
of water."
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From inthenews.co.uk "While
Katie is not said to be overjoyed about walking down the aisle with her bump
on show, the biggest problem about the new plans is the logistics surrounding
the moving of the wedding and Cruise's desire to book out an entire hotel. The
source added: "Tom is insisting on having the entire hotel for the weekend. He's
not taking any chances and wants their day to be ultra-private. But a hotel like
the Ritz-Carlton fills up months in advance and trying to sort out changing people's
reservations is a logistical nightmare."
Yes, ruining other people's vacations so you can have a sham marriage with a "Scientology
Ceremony" in your own private resort. What a nightmare indeed. Frankly, the Katrina
survivors should start sending the Cruiser donations.
October 14, 2005
Future 'Kate Cruise' visibly pregnant, pulls out of movie. Family denies
in-vitro fertilization rumors. Father cries self to sleep every night
"Honey, get the REALLY BIG shotgun! Fuck it, just give me the carving knife"
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From Yahoo "The
actress has pulled out of the Dennis Quaid drama Shame On You in order to focus
on her pregnancy, People magazine reports... With Cruise and Holmes upping their
public profile in recent days, tabloids have been all abuzz over the former Dawson's
Creek star's very visible bump, prompting speculation into exactly how long she
has been in the family way. (She's not saying.) [wink, wink] In
terms of just how Holmes got to be in the family way, her aunt has denied rumors
that the actress conceived via in vitro fertilization. [WINK, WINK] "I
can assure you they did it the old fashioned way," Carol Zydorczyk said in a
recent magazine interview [how the hell does she know? now there
is an online sex tape that would really sell].... Meanwhile, back
home in Ohio, Holmes' father, Martin, is reportedly extremely displeased that
his daughter is pregnant without the benefit of first swapping vows, according
to Life & Style magazine. The magazine reports that the strict Catholic scolded
the actress upon learning of her pregnancy, before telling Cruise, "You're no
good!"
Oh yeah, there is NOTHING suspicious about this pregnancy at all... Screw this,
we're sticking with the alien/Satan impregnation theory. And a big shout out
to our newest fan club member, Mr. Martin Holmes! You tell'em, Marty! Thanksgiving
dinner just keeps getting better and better...
October 7, 2005
Katie urged to have "silent birth". Cruiser urged to have "silent life".
Please.
"Honey, get my shotgun"
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From
RTE.ie.
"It is reported that Katie Holmes is being urged to have a 'silent birth' when
she has Tom Cruise's baby. When the 27-year-old actress is wheeled into the delivery
room, she will be under instructions not to cry or scream out, no matter how
painful her labour. The 'Dawson's Creek' star has reportedly agreed to convert
from Catholicism to her fiancé's Church of Scientology, which insists
on 'silent births' to avoid traumatising newborn babies. Scientologists also
believe in giving youngsters lie-detector tests, asking them to spy on their
classmates and cutting themselves off from family members if they are non-believers."
Thanksgiving is going to be just great with Katie's family this year... "Hey
'Dad', could you pass the stuffing? Oh, and, just as an FYI, I'm making your
daughter's child cut you out of its life forever. Boy, these sweet potatos are
great!"
October 7, 2005
Tony Danza slams the Cruiser for having child out of wedlock. Editors
shocked Danza knows the word "wedlock".
Peek-a-boo! I see Tony!
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From
Vancouver
24 hrs. "Danza is bemused by Cruise's behaviour and believes his
recent attack on Brooke Shields' decision to take medication for her
postpartum depression was hypocritical considering Cruise is now living
his own life with questionable morality. The talk show host says, "I'm
a little upset about this. Here's a guy out there lecturing people
about drugs, but out-of-wedlock births don't seem to bother him. "He's
never (appearing on) my show, so it doesn't matter." He adds, "I'm
happy for them, but we're going to send them to Maury (Povich's show)
for a DNA test."
Wow. Tony Danza. The most amazing thing about this news is that Tony Danza has
a talk show. When did that happen?!? That's a whole other website right there...
August 17 , 2005
Rumors abound - Katie getting cold feet on marriage to the Cruiser.
From
MSN UK "Reports are hitting the American tabloids that Ms. Holmes is having
second thoughts about the wedding, despite the fact that they continue to say
they are the happiest couple on the planet. According to sources who dished
the dirt to Star magazine, the problem may be the marriage ceremony itself,
with Katie keen for a regular church do, while the twice-married Cruise prefers
the idea of something a little smaller. Similarly, although Katie has said
she is interested in Scientology, she was raised as a Catholic by her religious
parents and she is said to be keen to go down that route with the vows. Cruise,
despite being raised Catholic, is now a firm Scientologist and wants to get
hitched somewhere a little more friendly to his beliefs. " Full
story
In unrelated news, the Scientology brainwashing machine is reported to be on
the fritz. Efforts to get it fix have so far failed as nobody can find the
Sears' "Lifetime
Warranty".
August 9 , 2005
The Cruiser gives rise to new term: "Jumping the couch"
From Headline
News: "Tom Cruise's couch hopping antics on the "Oprah Winfrey" show
have affected modern language and spawned a new buzz term. "Jumping the
couch" has now become a much-used phrase. The definition of the term, as
per web site UrbanDictionary.com, is "The defining moment when you know
someone has gone off the deep end." A sample usage: "My new girlfriend
Lissette jumped the couch and started breaking the windows of my car and threatening
my dog." Link
August 5 , 2005
Mimi Rogers says the Cruiser wanted to be a celibate monk
From FemaleFirst: "Actress
Mimi Rogers split from her ex-husband Tom Cruise because he refused to have sex
and wanted to become a monk. Rogers, who was the actor's first wife in the 1980s
before he married and subsequently divorced Nicole Kidman, ended up getting a
divorce from Cruise in 1990 when his desire to make love became non-existent.
She says, "He was seriously thinking of becoming a monk. He thought he had
to be celibate to maintain the purity of his instrument, but my instrument needed
tuning, and we had to split."
Full
Story
This story just keeps getting weirder, doesn't it? Though if she actually did
go around saying things like "tune my instrument, baby", we can't completely
blame him on this one...
August 3 , 2005
Scientologists concerned about a Cruiser backlash. In other news, the sun rises.
From
MSNBC: "Even some Scientology leaders think that Tom Cruise might be getting
a little too preachy. Some top-level officials at the Church of Scientology worry
that the highest-profile member of the group may be going overboard when it comes
to proselytizing. "He's still their greatest asset, and they love Tom, but
there is concern he has gone a little too far lately,” says a well-placed
source. "They're worried about a backlash.' "
Full
story
The source also confides that top Scientologists have some concern that
Battlefield
Earth may not be a blockbuster.
August 2 , 2005
What really happened to Katie's face? Experts rule out "Kissing Tom" as
possible cause
Newest controversy of the CruHol (our version of TomKat) era: what were
the mysterious red sores that appeared on Katie's face in May? According to the
New York Daily News, one theory blames the blemishes on a niacin-based "detoxification
procedure" performed by the Church of Scientology. However, a spokesman
for the church says, "Whatever is on Katie's face has nothing to do with
us. It's insulting that you would ask such a thing." So that's insulting,
but the whole alien parasite thing is cool?
July 31, 2005
Hollywood
legend Lauren Bacall on the Cruiser: "Vulgar"
Lauren Bacall to Time Magazine: "When you talk about a great actor, you're
not talking about Tom Cruise. His whole behavior is so shocking. It's inappropriate
and vulgar and absolutely unacceptable to use your private life to sell anything
commercially, but I think it's kind of a sickness."
Don't worry, Tom, what does she know about great actors? She's only worked with
Humphrey Bogart, John Wayne, Gary Cooper, Henry Fonda, Jack Lemmon, Paul Newman....
Whoops. Sorry, Tom, we thought that would make you feel better. Our bad.
July 29, 2005
The Cruiser and Love o' Life Take Italian Cruise. Apparently Score Touchdown
Breathless
reporting: "Wearing superstar shades, the nimble Top Gun star hopped up
onto a platform in the stern of the luxury watercraft where he raised his arms
in an enthusiastic greeting to photographers keeping a watchful lens on the popular
couple. While Tom was all smiles, however, his 26-year-old partner seemed more
focused on her beau's safety. The Batman Begins star hovered in the background
with her arms outstretched, as though ready to catch the actor should the swell
cause him to lose his balance. " If we could only be so lucky...
Full
Story
July 25, 2005
"Singing sensation" Carnie Wilson Disagrees with "Actor" Tom
Cruise
Apparently thinking she knows more about post-partum despression than the Cruiser,
just because she had -- y'know -- a baby, Carnie Wilson takes exception to Cruise's
comments on Brooke: "I haven't started medication and I don't need to but
I think there are many people that have different chemistry. I know plenty of
people, whose lives are completely changed and, as far as I'm concerned -- saved
-- because of medication." Seriously, Tom, when will these damn women stop
thinking they know better than you just because they "give birth" and
you don't?!? Women, go figure...
Full
Story
July 22, 2005
Whither Youppi?
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"Celebs" Attack the Cruiser's Anti-Drug Stance
Mega super awesome star comes out against Cruise. Tom Arnold! Wow, big time glitz.
On "The View", Arnold takes a whack at Cruise's comments on Brooke
Shields:"I just think he's ignorant. I just think he doesn't know." In
a shocking flip flop, new "The View" co-host and ex-Montreal Expos
mascot Youppi, joins Arnold in attacking Cruise.
Full
Story
July 19, 2005
"Celebs" Defend the Cruiser's Anti-Drug Stance
Mega super awesome stars come to Tom's defense. "JAG" alum Catherine
Bell and Kelly Preston! Wow, big time glitz. Preston on Brooke: "If you're
going to be advocating drugs, which she does in her book, you need to be responsible
for also telling the people of the potential risks." The Tom Defenders will
break out the really big guns tonight on Access Hollywood when ex-Montreal Expos
mascot Youppi speaks out for the Cruiser.
Full
Story
July 17, 2005
Movie legend and Oscar winning actor (sorry Tom) Michael Caine joins our fan
club
On
Katie Holmes: "I remember Katie as a quiet little girl who wouldn't say
boo to a goose. Obviously some metamorphosis has gone on there. I keep hearing
she is going to be the next Mrs. Tom Cruise - she's a bit on the tall side."
Full
story
July 14, 2005
Der Crüiser to Der Spiegel in Der Germany. Der Crazy...
The full interview is priceless. Be sure to especially enjoy the part where Spielberg
tries to bail Cruise of trouble, then just gives up and runs for the hills. A
favorite snippet: "I myself have helped hundreds of people get off drugs.
In Scientology, we have the only successful drug rehabilitation program in the
world. It's called Narconon.... It's a statistically proven fact that there is
only one successful drug rehabilitation program in the world. Period."
Full
story
July 13, 2005
Alley, Preston And Travolta Join Cruise's Anti-Drug Crusade
Oh boy get ready!! More Hollywood celebrities getting ready to tell YOU what's
wrong with YOU! Isn't that great? To Kirstie, John, and Kelly: Please, please
PLEASE go on TV and talk about this! Your golden gems of wisdom will trumpet
from the heights of Mt. Olympus (aka, Burbank, CA). PS: we loved "Face Off."
Full
story
July 12, 2005
Paris to the Cruisière: Non merci!
The Paris
city hall has pledged "never to welcome" the actor to the city of love.
In a debate late yesterday, the Socialist-controlled municipal assembly approved
a resolution "never to welcome the actor Tom Cruise, spokesman for Scientology
and self-declared militant for this organisation".
Full
story
Wow, an actual story that allows us to laugh at both the Cruiser AND the French
at the same time! Truly, a rare and wondrous combination.
July 11, 2005
The Cruiser Down Under
Tom Cruise gives an interview to Australia's 60 Minutes. Must be seen for its
full nuttiness to be appreciated. Our favorite line: "You're stepping over
a line, you know you are. I'm just telling you right now — put your manners
back in."
View
the full interview
July 8, 2005
Katie Holmes Poses in Wedding Dress While Slowly Losing Mind
From MSNBC - Katie Holmes appears in the August issue of W magazine
posing in a Commes des Garcons wedding dress and continuing to gush about her
fiance. "Tom and I will always be in our honeymoon phase," Holmes says.
In the interview, a theme emerges with many similar comments, including "Tom
is the most incredible man in the world."
"I'm learning to celebrate my own spirit, my own being," she
says. During an interview with W mag, the actress wouldn't part from
Jessica Rodriguez, who is described as her "Scientologist chaperone." Rodriguez's
role in Holmes' life remains vague, though Rodriguez says they're "just
best friends" since meeting around the time Holmes met Cruise. "You
adore him," Rodriguez told Holmes when the actress was at a loss
for words to describe her love.
Full
Story
We would comment on this but our new Scientologist chaperones are frowning in
our general direction... Oh wait, right. We adore her.
The Cruiser Rolls Again, Rivets Continue to Pop
New
quotes from the Cruiser to Der Spiegel magazine on why he had fully
staffed Scientology tents on the War of the Worlds set: "I felt
honored to have volunteer Scientology ministers on the set. They were
helping the crew. When I'm working on a movie, I do anything I can
to help the people I'm spending time with. I believe in communication.
The volunteer Scientology ministers were there to help the sick and
injured. "
The sick and injured? From the Martian attacks?
July 4, 2005
Team Behind Website Demonstrate Spines of Spaghetti
After Tom Cruise super lawyer Bert Fields casually muses over a cup of coffee
about
prospect
of legal action, team behind three-day old www.tomcruiseisnuts.com collectively
voids bowels and runs for the hills, stocking bookshelves with the collected
works of L. Ron Hubbard, joining the Church of Scientology, and announcing plans
for www.welovetomcruise.com.
July 1, 2005
Brooke Bites Back
Furious
at being singled out as the poster girl for all that Tom sees as wrong in the
modern world, actress Brooke Shields has lashed out at the Crazy Cruiser in an
opinion piece for The New York Times. Read the entire article
here or
do yourself a favor and check out the juiciest volleys in our new "Brooke Shields
on Tom" section.
